END: Life's Journey, Part III

I can see the dark clouds brewing in the sky, there is going to be a storm and I will be all alone battling the sky’s anger towards the earth for whatever crimes committed. Maybe this is the punishment I deserve, being alone in a storm and wishing desperately for you, for your comforting arms and your calm voice. I remember the last storm, we were caught in and how quickly it seemed to pass because you were there. As the wind howled louder and louder you asked me to dance so that we could create our own music and the storm wouldn’t be able to drown out our love. As the ceaseless thunder rolled and the lightning lit up everything in a strange light, time stood still for us. There are times like now when I wish for that stillness that you brought and the brand of warmth and security that only came with you.
Being held in your arms was always magical, everything around us seemed to stand still, we were in a bubble and everything had stopped existing. It was just the two of us in our cocoon of love and I remember you gently kissing my throat and nibbling on my ears. I could hear the thump of your heart as it beat loud, fast and strong and I felt like all the blood was rushing through my head. My temple was pounding, every part of me was throbbing with restricted passion begging to set the animal in me free and I could literally feel you steal my breath away. You were the air that I breathed; our synchronized heartbeats united our spirits like nothing else could. I remember looking into your dark eyes and seeing my reflection there made me realize that there was no other place I’d ever want to be.
That was when I realized that it was suddenly very quiet and all I could hear was our labored breathing and the gentle swish of the tree branch against the window. We had been standing there, swaying with the motion of the song in our hearts for more than one hour. You held me tight in your arms and its as if you never wanted to let me go, it seemed like you were committing this moment to memory like there was a chance that we would never have another one. How right you were, if only I had known I would have held on a little more desperately, a little longer. Time is beyond my control and so many other things that change who we are and where we end up being even what isn’t part of the plan.
The hollow part of my heart pulsates with pain at points in time when the memories are too strong, of kisses shared in the rain, in bed, wherever we were a part of us had to touch. I found indescribable ecstasy in your arms, I will cherish those special times forever, I don’t have a choice anyway your love holds me captive. I am not sure if I ever want to be free even if we will never be together; I would rather treasure every second of sheer joy that I discovered with you. The laughter that never ended, the smile that never left your eyes or your lips and the adoration that defies expression. It is an endless chain of torture for me to try and block these images of us from my mind and of course my heart hasn’t forgotten. You do have the rest of me and I wish I could get it back so that I could move on and try to create new moments.
I want my days to stop being dark and dismal, I want to glow with the joy of a new love, with the hope that tomorrow will be beautiful and I will soar to the clouds with my beloved. I am incomplete without you, I know that we are destined to be together but how much longer must I wait? How do I know that you are not out there in the arms of another, would you betray me so? Does anybody care that I cannot let go, for some reason I cannot move on, maybe I value the past too much and maybe I am hoping for a miracle that just won’t happen?
I remember standing with you under the stars and making secret wishes about each other and about our future. It was magic watching the deep blue sky so well lit by the stars, as we held each other a shooting star went by and I could have sworn that the night bewitched us. We lay there all night and watched the morning mist form a cloak around us as nature woke us up to delight in each other’s embrace. I could hear the birds call out to their mates and the answer tugged on the chords of my heart, such a beautiful sound, the sound of returned love. Now I know that lost love is a disease that beguiles me of all sense, everything else becomes irrelevant.
As time passes, I do realize that it heals all wounds and although I was skeptical about this as the months pass and the season’s changes the better I get at being alone. I feel whole and for once in a long time I am content to be just me and to actually enjoy the sunset again without being bombarded by emotions that I cannot control. There are entire days that I don’t think of CJ, just a passing thought hoping that he is fine. This is certainly different from the deep ache I experienced with every breath I took and the shadow of pain that gripped my heart at the sight of two people together in love. I can enjoy a good nights sleep now and I find myself smiling simply at the joyful occasions in my life and the friends that have always been there for me. I realize that life is too short to be wasted on the past and that there is a bright future ahead of me that cannot be discovered if I don’t take any chances.
Slowly by slowly, CJ and I are finding our friendship back without the doubts and without the tension that comes with one of us loving the other more. Our friendship is the most precious thing to me and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize it with confessions of love, I think that the focus of this love has shifted and that we are back to where we began. I don’t know how I would feel if he got married tomorrow but I do know that I would be happy for him if he was. I had been selfish for too long and I now know that true joy can only be found in selflessly giving of yourself and truly loving another by giving them freedom. Humility wants the very best for another even if the plan does not include you or go as planned by both in the past. This is not to deny the love that will always be there between us or pretend that something extraordinary didn’t happen, this is survival. I have realized that hanging on to a dream is not the way to live, instead I will embrace each moment and look for happiness again.
There are so many things in the world that can fill my life and realizing this is like a new lease on life extended to me. From the beautiful dawn as everything comes to life again to the sunset that casts a magical glow on everything, I do realize that things could be much worse. I am optimistic that the best is yet to come, my eyes are open looking for that special magic and better yet my heart is open like never before. Sometimes we think that the best was in the past then we find something so rare and so wonderful that we realize that our past life would not even come close to it. Through the pain and despair an unbelievable gift is brought into our lives just to realize that if we hadn’t lost, the gift wouldn’t be as appreciated.
Are there moments in time where we are caught unaware by feelings so intense that days later we cannot even begin to describe how we got to this place. I am at another place and I am at a loss how this journey began, it will not be a heart stopping story but it is a story that is occupying my time and having me concentrate on the now not the past. As somebody famously said “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving all pretty and preserved,but rather skid on the broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming… ‘WOW’ What a ride!. And I take those words to heart.

Life's journey : Part II

I do believe that CJ is my soul mate, that better part of me that is out there in the world. Sometimes it is true that we can spend the rest of our lives looking for something that is right in front of us. We would walk hand in hand and gaze into each other’s eyes for long periods of time, just content to be in each other’s arms. I don’t exactly remember what thoughts ran through my mind then, all I know is the joy I felt in my heart and I remember wanting to skip around all the time.
I am sure that I will never forget that first kiss, it felt like candle wax was being poured on my already heated skin and the gentle breeze was changing the heat to a sweet pain. This was a night different from all the others, the air had an energy that wasn’t normal, and the moon was unusually bright, hiding behind the clouds and casting shadows on his features. The night cast its magical spell on us and time stood still as we looked at each other and let everything in the background fade away. We drew closer and closer in unplanned steps and I could feel his heart echo my heart’s beat and nothing was more important that what was going to happen next. I thought that the torrent of needs was going to wash me away or at least knock me off my feet. Never in my life had I anticipated anything more than that kiss, I remember watching him and just holding my breath.
The air was pregnant with desires that had been unfulfilled for far too long, the longing in that moment could not possibly ever be conveyed on paper. I can still feel the blood pulsing or rather pounding in my veins as I watched the slow descent of his lips. My eyes closed and I felt his breath on my lips a moment before he took my trembling lips into his mouth, I must have sighed because it felt like I had been waiting for this moment forever. Those few seconds before he kissed me seemed like forever, I was sure that I would never draw another breath until our lips met. There was a magical beat of wholeness that I cannot understand to this day and it felt like I had finally come home after a long time.
I am afraid that I will not do our first kiss justice as I try to describe something that is not luculent. When our lips met, I felt as if my knees had stopped supporting me and when I could have fallen if CJ hadn’t held me up. I can feel my body react to the moment his arms went around me, I had been held in those arms so many times before yet this was different. I felt as if my soul and his came together at that exact moment never to leave each other, I don’t know how long we stood under the stars or how long the cloak of passion held us captive all I know is, there will never be another first kiss. At some point we had to stop and catch our breaths and even as we drew apart, we came together again. We didn’t talk about it that night or the next day but we kind of went on like we had always been at that point in our relationship or like the past had never happened.
My life was changed irrevocably that night, and there are many nights I lay awake and wonder if I had the power if I could change that moment so the longing would go away. I would rather have that one kiss than a lifetime spent wondering what would have happened between us. I remember fondly the days of our carefree youth, when neither of us had a care in the world or that’s how it seemed when we saw each other. Now it seems like the loads of the world are on our shoulders or we let them get to us and what’s worse is we don’t have each other to lean on, as much as I would want. Looking back, I can see the smiles on our younger faces as we lived crazily from day to day always ending up in each other’s arms. If you found CJ, you would find me, I don’t know how we always seemed to be together even when in a group.
I chose to give my heart away it wasn’t stolen from me, maybe there wasn’t anything I could have done about it but I would rather think that I had control over what happened. I remember one day sitting outside in the yard and drowning in his eyes, they had this captivating look that drew me to the magic that was CJ. They are not unusual eyes, the brown in them just enchanted me and they seemed to pierce right into my soul and it seemed like I couldn’t keep any secrets from him. We would sit on a chair out there and try to shield each other from the sun, as he rubbed my back or my feet or just sat silently in each other’s presence.
I am very surprised that we did not end up together sooner rather than later. When I look back at the years I knew CJ, I cannot remember the moments I wasn’t with him. I realize now that those moments were there, its just that in my mind they were not that significant or my mind simply does not bring them to recollection. I did find him attractive even then, that rugged look and those piercing eyes that would just not leave my dreams. I already loved the man he was but I stopped those thoughts before they were fully formed and somehow I managed to separate my dreams from reality. After all CJ didn’t date, I always used to tell him that he was a hit and run kind of guy. Whatever made me think he could change for me is beyond me, but this is not a story of regret but a story of the magic of love and the undying hope that comes with it.
What beautiful moments we spent together, the days never seemed to be long enough whether we were talking, drinking, eating, the time was always too short. I know that there were many nights that I just wanted to stay awake and savor every moment and keep it in my memory bank for reference on cold nights. Time is the enemy in this case, it does dull some of the magic as it passes especially since we are so far away and can not now create new memories. I doubt that we will ever recapture those moments of pure bliss or we will walk away wondering what would have been if circumstances had been different. His euphonious voice fills my dreams and drives me mad with want and need, just to see him one more time but I cannot help but wonder if once would be enough.
A shiver goes up my back and I could have sworn that the wind’s whisper was his voice close to my ear telling me to hang on and never lose hope. Sometimes a stranger comes my way and there is something familiar about him, be it his walk or smile or some feature and there is an eerie feeling in the air as we pass each other. Those are the moments that take me back to the sweetness and innocence of moments past when I believed that all you had to do was love each other. How harsh the lessons of life have been in that aspect, if that is all it took then I would be with my beloved never having known a moment’s pain or separation.
Another dusk and I am standing at my window looking outside as the rain drenches the ground, the water is getting sucked up right in front of my eyes. The ground must be as thirsty as my heart that longs for one man’s love, I now realize that I have been afraid of my shadow for far too long. I have been hiding out, afraid to venture out there and find out what the world holds in store for me. I now realize that nursing a broken heart is no excuse, maybe I am looking to recapture something that is lost in time and no matter how hard I seek it, it can never be found. The rain poured silently and watching it hit the ground reminded me of the tears that I had shed many times. My futile search reminded me of the deep heartbreak that words really couldn’t describe, of the anguished sleepless nights when I thought that the devil wrestled my soul away from me.
I am all for fighting for love but sometimes that fight just isn’t worth it, many are times that I have been on the battle field for months and at the end all I feel is exhaustion and wonder if it was even worth it. The sweat running down my scarred back brings me no consolation; was it just another whirlwind romance gone wrong. Why must I battle forces that are beyond me, why do I feel like I am always looking for something that escapes me just when I am about to recapture it? Is it really true that if you let something go it will come back to you if it was meant to be? I beg to differ, I am sure that I have let many fights go after fighting to my near death. I wonder if fighting with everything that one has is truly letting go or holding on, I should walk away from my next fight and I will truly find out how true this is.
I believe that I was born a soldier, one destined to fight for everything they have, from birth I have known that nothing is free in this world and to get what you want you must get your hands dirty. I find my story interesting because love is ever elusive and the few moments spent in the arms of my beloved have not amounted to much thus far. I am helpless as I stand to the side and watch things unfold right before my eyes, could it be that I was chasing my own tail all along. Was I just enjoying the thrill of the wind blowing fast behind me as I ran towards the finish line just to realize that at some point of the run, I had let go of my beloved’s hand? Sometimes I feel like a stranger looking in from the outside, wondering who that happy girl looking into her lovers’ eyes is. This torments me more than anything else does because my heart calls to that girl inside of me and I wonder if she really is lost forever.
I want to remember only the star kissed moments like when we walked on the beach with the wind blowing my hair and the sand caressing my feet as I walked. I remember thinking that it was the softest massage, one of God’s gifts to man, what beauty, how majestic, how loving the Lord must be. The gentle whisper of the rushing water and wind made every moment enchanted as I starred into your eyes, with all the love in my heart pouring out. I can still see you in my minds eyes racing towards the water like a little boy and looking and smiling back at me, at that moment I felt my heart constrict in my chest with a magnitude of love that is inexpressible. These are the moments that have me hoping that at the end of time we will not have lost this gift that was granted to us no matter what paths we took in this lifetime.
I can still hear your deep laughter, so sweet to my ear as you raced back to me and carried me over your shoulder and proceeded to dump me in the icy cold water. You heat up the water that surrounded us with your wet kisses and bold caresses, I was sure that I had died and gone to heaven. I can hear your voice close to my ear, telling me that I am your angel, your soul mate and that indeed this is kismet. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, from the special names to the sweet things you did to sweep me off my feet each day. CJ, when did we lose sight of our goal of forever? Were we really so naïve not to have thought of the future or did we really know that this wasn’t going to be forever?
One time at the beach you looked at me and asked, “you are my sunshine, right?” You then drew this big sun in the sand and put my name in the circle for the whole world to know that I lit up your world, as you put it. You told me that you never wanted to experience another moment without me by your side and that you wanted to be mine forever. These are the thoughts that are my undoing, how could such breathtaking moments be taken away from me? I wasn’t ready to let you fly away, I was just beginning to get used to waking up beside you and watching you wake up in the new dawn’s light. You are absolutely beautiful when you sleep my sweet and it doesn’t hurt that when I tried to move away from you, you would always draw me close and hold on even tighter. There are moments that I was sure my heart would burst with the love I had inside, the more I gave to you the more it was replenished. I was a storehouse of abundant love, overflowing over the edges dying to be given to you and only you.
Now all I have is this deep longing, this incessant thirst for your love. I want a love that is ageless, that will stand the test of time, distance and all other factors that we cannot control. There are perpetual fires in my belly that cannot be put out by any other man. It is you that I want; I want to experience the unending bliss that cannot be found anywhere else but in your arms. I have tried but no one else can satisfy the unremitting demands of my hunger for your loving. I want to walk hand in hand with you for the rest of my life and even to eternity. This is my greatest desire and my greatest fear because I wonder if you want the same, did my love enslave you too that you wouldn’t be any good for anyone else but me? I don’t want my love to be selfish and that is why I am trying to let you go, so that you can discover yourself out there and maybe find some of the sunshine we created together.