END: Life's Journey, Part III

I can see the dark clouds brewing in the sky, there is going to be a storm and I will be all alone battling the sky’s anger towards the earth for whatever crimes committed. Maybe this is the punishment I deserve, being alone in a storm and wishing desperately for you, for your comforting arms and your calm voice. I remember the last storm, we were caught in and how quickly it seemed to pass because you were there. As the wind howled louder and louder you asked me to dance so that we could create our own music and the storm wouldn’t be able to drown out our love. As the ceaseless thunder rolled and the lightning lit up everything in a strange light, time stood still for us. There are times like now when I wish for that stillness that you brought and the brand of warmth and security that only came with you.
Being held in your arms was always magical, everything around us seemed to stand still, we were in a bubble and everything had stopped existing. It was just the two of us in our cocoon of love and I remember you gently kissing my throat and nibbling on my ears. I could hear the thump of your heart as it beat loud, fast and strong and I felt like all the blood was rushing through my head. My temple was pounding, every part of me was throbbing with restricted passion begging to set the animal in me free and I could literally feel you steal my breath away. You were the air that I breathed; our synchronized heartbeats united our spirits like nothing else could. I remember looking into your dark eyes and seeing my reflection there made me realize that there was no other place I’d ever want to be.
That was when I realized that it was suddenly very quiet and all I could hear was our labored breathing and the gentle swish of the tree branch against the window. We had been standing there, swaying with the motion of the song in our hearts for more than one hour. You held me tight in your arms and its as if you never wanted to let me go, it seemed like you were committing this moment to memory like there was a chance that we would never have another one. How right you were, if only I had known I would have held on a little more desperately, a little longer. Time is beyond my control and so many other things that change who we are and where we end up being even what isn’t part of the plan.
The hollow part of my heart pulsates with pain at points in time when the memories are too strong, of kisses shared in the rain, in bed, wherever we were a part of us had to touch. I found indescribable ecstasy in your arms, I will cherish those special times forever, I don’t have a choice anyway your love holds me captive. I am not sure if I ever want to be free even if we will never be together; I would rather treasure every second of sheer joy that I discovered with you. The laughter that never ended, the smile that never left your eyes or your lips and the adoration that defies expression. It is an endless chain of torture for me to try and block these images of us from my mind and of course my heart hasn’t forgotten. You do have the rest of me and I wish I could get it back so that I could move on and try to create new moments.
I want my days to stop being dark and dismal, I want to glow with the joy of a new love, with the hope that tomorrow will be beautiful and I will soar to the clouds with my beloved. I am incomplete without you, I know that we are destined to be together but how much longer must I wait? How do I know that you are not out there in the arms of another, would you betray me so? Does anybody care that I cannot let go, for some reason I cannot move on, maybe I value the past too much and maybe I am hoping for a miracle that just won’t happen?
I remember standing with you under the stars and making secret wishes about each other and about our future. It was magic watching the deep blue sky so well lit by the stars, as we held each other a shooting star went by and I could have sworn that the night bewitched us. We lay there all night and watched the morning mist form a cloak around us as nature woke us up to delight in each other’s embrace. I could hear the birds call out to their mates and the answer tugged on the chords of my heart, such a beautiful sound, the sound of returned love. Now I know that lost love is a disease that beguiles me of all sense, everything else becomes irrelevant.
As time passes, I do realize that it heals all wounds and although I was skeptical about this as the months pass and the season’s changes the better I get at being alone. I feel whole and for once in a long time I am content to be just me and to actually enjoy the sunset again without being bombarded by emotions that I cannot control. There are entire days that I don’t think of CJ, just a passing thought hoping that he is fine. This is certainly different from the deep ache I experienced with every breath I took and the shadow of pain that gripped my heart at the sight of two people together in love. I can enjoy a good nights sleep now and I find myself smiling simply at the joyful occasions in my life and the friends that have always been there for me. I realize that life is too short to be wasted on the past and that there is a bright future ahead of me that cannot be discovered if I don’t take any chances.
Slowly by slowly, CJ and I are finding our friendship back without the doubts and without the tension that comes with one of us loving the other more. Our friendship is the most precious thing to me and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize it with confessions of love, I think that the focus of this love has shifted and that we are back to where we began. I don’t know how I would feel if he got married tomorrow but I do know that I would be happy for him if he was. I had been selfish for too long and I now know that true joy can only be found in selflessly giving of yourself and truly loving another by giving them freedom. Humility wants the very best for another even if the plan does not include you or go as planned by both in the past. This is not to deny the love that will always be there between us or pretend that something extraordinary didn’t happen, this is survival. I have realized that hanging on to a dream is not the way to live, instead I will embrace each moment and look for happiness again.
There are so many things in the world that can fill my life and realizing this is like a new lease on life extended to me. From the beautiful dawn as everything comes to life again to the sunset that casts a magical glow on everything, I do realize that things could be much worse. I am optimistic that the best is yet to come, my eyes are open looking for that special magic and better yet my heart is open like never before. Sometimes we think that the best was in the past then we find something so rare and so wonderful that we realize that our past life would not even come close to it. Through the pain and despair an unbelievable gift is brought into our lives just to realize that if we hadn’t lost, the gift wouldn’t be as appreciated.
Are there moments in time where we are caught unaware by feelings so intense that days later we cannot even begin to describe how we got to this place. I am at another place and I am at a loss how this journey began, it will not be a heart stopping story but it is a story that is occupying my time and having me concentrate on the now not the past. As somebody famously said “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving all pretty and preserved,but rather skid on the broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming… ‘WOW’ What a ride!. And I take those words to heart.