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Life's journey Part 1

This is going to be long and in parts but bear with me and enjoy the story as it unfolds, its been a year since I wrote this so I figured as an anniversary of sorts I would share this story.

This is my life’s journey; I never noticed how much I dwelt in the past or how much my energies were consumed by things I couldn’t change. I don’t know when the exact turning point was but I know that one-day I just stopped pining for my lost love. The acceptance was a new lease on life for me. I felt like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders and this brought the realization that sometimes things didn’t always work out as planned. It’s been more than a year since CJ and I broke up and through all the months I realized that it’s true you crave most that which you cannot have. I might have taken CJ for granted sometimes when we were together but the one thing I never did was not love him enough. Maybe I could have expressed more love or tried to explain what he meant to me but until I lost him I never knew just how important the unsaid words were.
Looking back I see that there were many opportunities to cherish each other more or share special moments but we were always in a hurry to get to the next place. Maybe we should have enjoyed the sunsets more or stayed in bed longer or lingered over our afternoon tea. What I would have given to gaze into those eyes again or see his mouth curve in that smile or just stayed in his arms for a minute longer. Who would have known that our goodbye would be so final, the last time we saw each other we still hoped and dreamed of moments to come of sheer joy and pleasure in each other’s company. As time passed I must admit that I was plagued with guilt because I did not believe that our love was strong enough to withstand the distance, how right I was. I felt guilty because I did not have enough faith to carry us through the days or months that turned into years.
I still don’t know what I miss most; if it’s the times alone at night or not having a partner, someone I can run to and be sure that I am a priority. I am sure that CJ and I will always be friends but I am not first anymore, I am not that special part of him anymore. He has a new partner by his side, someone he shares everything with and someone he wakes up next to and shares his deepest desires and dreams with. The easy comfort we had is not there anymore, the words just don’t flow when we speak, I have to be careful not to let the longing I feel reflect in my voice or show him how desperately I miss him. Above all I want him to be happy not guilty for having moved on when I have been unable to give my heart to another.
This selfless love is not all its deemed to be, why must I be the one who cares so much for his well being, why can’t I just be selfish and look out for me? There are many dark nights I wish for that wild thrill I felt every time I saw him, so many moments of intense excitement now long gone. At the spur of the moment I would rush over from my house to his for just an afternoon of bliss doing unimportant things but being around him gave me so much joy. Maybe I am being pusillanimous, which is totally unlike me but when it comes to the future I really don’t want to find out how our story ends. I should start from the beginning on how we met and fell in love and what an incredible though short journey its been. But I wouldn’t live in peace if it weren’t a happy ending because all the sweet words CJ whispered were euphonious.
There are certain people that come into our lives and we don’t necessarily remember the exact moment they changed our lives but there was a special second when the connection was made. With CJ, there always was that click even before we became best friends, we would always look for each other in a crowd. We watched out for each other and had each others backs for as long as I can remember, there was always that love maybe more brotherly than lovers. Later on we would watch each other across the room and my heart would skip a beat on those occasions but I never tried to dissect what was going on. I chose to ignore those times and decided to just enjoy our friendship and not compromise it by trying to satisfy this hunger for more. I knew that every time I watched him unbeknownst to any one else, I would have all these feelings flood my system and I could barely wait to be next to him.
It never seemed odd that he was the first one I rushed home to see after I had been gone awhile or the one I wanted to speak to, the moment I woke up and right before I went to sleep. I always wanted to keep that special part of him for just me, I know its selfish but I still believe to this day that there is a part of him that I have seen that no one else has. It breaks my heart because I think he has a piece of my heart that I can never give to anyone else, I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I fall in love next. I hold dear and close to my heart the tender moments we shared and although at some point I have to let go, I am not ready to. There are times that I just want to be stuck in that moment never to leave behind the dream I hold so dear to my heart, CJ is my unicorn!
Time has passed since that first passion-laden look over our friends’ heads or that first heart-stopping kiss on a quiet tropical night. It wasn’t planned, it just seemed to jump out of the sky and stop us in our tracks.

To be continued...