The sun is shining

Bloodthirst

2011-07-27T10:55:00.000-07:00

A raging madness begins
Hunger beyond words
A thirst that cannot be quenched
A frenzy starts within, not to be satisfied
Absolute madness, so paralyzing
The craziness builds momentum each second
The intensity completely overwhelming!
Its uncontrolled and fear threatens
But the craze is too powerful to be calm
There's no balance and all is lost!

Transformation

2011-07-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

Actual change is a journey, becoming a better version of yourself is daunting but with courage and time it can happen. Its a slow and gradual change and often times painful but we need to be open to the experience and look forward to the future. Endless nights of tears finally reveal who we really are inside and after all the 'crap' has been washed away then we can emerge as a butterfly out of the cocoon.
The anchor keeps us steady and when we are used to everything we need to question our comfort and if need be raise the anchor and float free for a while before we settle. The newness scares us but we need to trust as we drift around that when the right place comes into our view then it will be time to drop anchor once again. We have to strive not to take anything for granted and always be ready to move on if we need to, instead of just being comfortable and settling for whatever is handed to us.
When we don't move, we don't grow, we don't progress. Its good to standstill sometimes and contemplate our next move but we shouldn't be afraid of new experiences. Nothing should hold us in place unless we are happy and when we look back we won't have any regrets.

Comfort

2011-07-19T12:05:00.000-07:00

Can you ever be so lost that you cannot be found? You are there among people but no one actually "gets" you and you just nod and smile but you are on the outside looking in. Its like a dark cloud that hovers over you and whatever ray of light tries to come through is swallowed by the darkness so intense. The heaviness is a blanket that engulfs you and keep you warm as it alienates you from everything else.
Your way of life is a comfort that keeps you going and its like a shelter you never want to leave. As much as it doesn't make sense to everyone else, it feels like home and nothing else no matter how bright calls out to you.
Its a feeling of great panic, deep in the water, no oxygen but its peaceful even as your life drains out of you. It welcomes you and feels so surreal and you want to get lost in it.
Should you take a chance to find yourself again and risk everything you know? Having to leave the comfort of home? The shelter you are used to?
I wish we could see what could have been without having to wait for it to be. I am sure its a sight to behold but we have to live in the actual moments so that one day they can become memories and something to look back on.
I am listening to the voices and they call out different things, some loud, some soft and I don't know which instructions to heed.
Wisdom is knowing what you can't fight and what battles to ignore!

Letting Go!

2011-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

I feel your hand slipping out of my grasp
I try to hold on but deep inside I want to let go
The pretense makes the grip softer and softer
And eventually we slip apart
There's a moment of panic as the reality of being separated sinks in
I am falling with no support and I struggle with my new found freedom
Is this what I really want?
My hand was so heavy for so long and all I dreamed about was having it back
But now that I have it to myself, its lonely
I want someone holding it, holding me; but what am I willing to give up?
Can I hold on to the freedom and give it up at the same time?
There are no tears to shed, just a deep sadness.
A part of me is slowly dying while I am being reborn
As painful as it is, I am curious to see who I become....

Transitions

2011-07-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

Changes come when we least expect them, we might not be ready but we are left with no choice and we either embrace the change or struggle against it and tire ourselves out and eventually give up. I have learnt that burdens or difficulties are blessings in disguise and once we open ourselves up then a wealth of lessons is in store for us.
The people that walk the journey with us are the major blessing and lesson, some we wouldn't have given a second chance to even speak to us but in the moment we have to be patient and waiting gives us a chance to actually discover who they are. We don't ever walk away the same when we give them a chance to share a part of themselves to us and if we open ourselves up to the experience then we have an opportunity to offer something as well.
Transitions are what make life interesting, the different people that walk into our lives and how long they stay and what they leave behind. Some are there for just a short time and take away more than they bring in and others are there for a longer time and leave nothing then there are some that give and take equally.
What we have to take away from each experience is just the positive, whatever made us smile in the moment then we keep. The rest we discard with those that leave!

My journey - London to San Diego by Jeremie

2011-03-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

Its my great pleasure to introduce Jeremie our guest blogger for today with help from Kabz, as he shares his journey with us.

Enjoy,
SM

It has been an amazing transition period from living in London for the last eight years to now living in San Diego, California. Here I come, pacific ocean ready for the sun and tan. Sunny skies compare to the snow filled dreary days and now the sun in my soul can finally shine out and reach everyone around me. The endless amazing roads just reach out and touch my heart. I want everyone to find happiness and discover the road that leads them to absolute bliss.
I have met and been with so many good friends and family in London but I must admit the recent relocation to San Diego has enabled me to make friends that have made this transition smooth. I would encourage everyone standing on the ledge to take the leap of faith, new adventures are so much fun. Fear not, for the road ahead holds wisdom, what an amazing experience! The friends we make now are our wealth and a mirror to look back unto what the past has bestowed upon us. What a gift! Let's give thanks.
We cannot forget where our roots are, for in doing so we not only forsake ourselves but those that came before and those that come after us. As much as we live our lives abroad, let's always take a moment to think of our homeland wherever that may be and keep in touch. Our past is our heritage, a book of reference, a guiding light to what is worth pursuing and all the lessons we learnt as we grew up. As good or as bad as our journey gets, it shapes us into better individuals and the challenges mold us into stronger people. Looking back actually makes for a better experience.
Looking forward to my journey, I cannot wait to discover what is hidden and the joy I behold as I figure out the oyster that is life. We must look at life as an obstacle course and whichever hurdles come along, we must take them straight on without fear of failure. If we do fail, we pick ourselves up and continue racing towards success. Wherever our journey takes us, we can be proud in knowing that whichever route we took we gave it our all and the gems we discovered along the way stay with us forever. Keeping in mind that there are those that may hamper our efforts to succeed in life but we must persevere. For instance, our forefather fought for our freedom from the shackles of colonization tirelessly; for some it might have taken too long but the freedoms we enjoy came from those that didn't give up.
Friends open the door way that makes for a better life and knowing them only makes for a richer experience and this is our gift.
Shout outs and blessings to the peeps that made my experience a walk on the beach.

Darkness Calls

2011-03-15T15:58:00.000-07:00

The abyss is dark yet it presents a calming welcome that just draws me in and seems to call my name in the gentlest of whispers. I have to be careful not to lose myself in the darkness that falls on me like the softest cashmere blanket. "Relax in my embrace", it says but something warns me that the whisper covers up the deceptive tone and I must fight to find myself in the maze. I will reinvent myself, grow stronger and not tire as I find my way out and overcome the helplessness. This loneliness and hopelessness is a heavy blanket and the dark calls so seductively for me to lay my head down for just a minute. I move back from the edge of the abyss knowing I fight for more than my present freedom but for a future that doesn't involve gazing into the dark eyes that beckon, ever so temptingly.

Knock Knock

2011-03-15T15:54:00.000-07:00

If you shut the door, I will knock gently.
If you turn the lock, I will respect your privacy and not break down the door.
Until the key turns the other way then I will stay on the other side.
We sometimes open the door without looking through the peep hole
And allow 'characters' in that have no business being in our home!
We invite danger and insanity into our lives unecessarily.
We must protect ourselves from intruders and those that wish us harm at all costs,
even by being rude and not answering the knock.
So keep the door locked even when the knocking get louder and louder.

Overcome!

2011-03-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

Beware of the angry wolf lurking at the door, waiting for you to show fear so he can attack mercilessly. Do not show your trepidation during the stand off, be courageous and face him head on! Otherwise, he will devour you without a moment's hesitation. He travels in a pack so they are ALL waiting for you to capitulate so they can destroy you.
We each have our own 'wolves', some at the door, some already on our backs and to survive we need to defeat and overcome them.
Be it our fears, irrationalities, bad attitude, deceptive nature, whatever it is that keeps us up at night; needs to be left behind!

Mystery

2011-02-20T20:58:00.001-08:00

Mystery, what’s the allure that draws me to your clutches; you draw me near and completely drown me in your sweet smell. Whatever corner i turn to hide from you, you eagerly await and i cannot run away from you fast enough. I am captivated in your embrace and as far as much as i try to outrun you; i truly want you to capture me and enslave me, please make me yours. I dream about you, i long for you and yet you escape me!. If you were a genie and I had forty wishes, all I would wish for – is you.

Time!

2011-02-18T15:01:00.001-08:00

Time, how mysterious you are. At times you pass as swift as a feather carried on a summer’s breeze; sometimes you linger as slowly as a relaxed sigh. You are the hurricane and the sunrise at the same time as impossible as that seems. We dread and look forward to your passing with the same combination of fear and excitement.
You bring healing and heartache in the same breath to different people at different times, how I wish I could harness your power and reach in and get lost in your miracle.
Time, please be kind to me.

''.......Judge not and you will not be judged...''

2011-01-14T23:28:00.000-08:00

This must be the hardest thing not to do, every decision we make is influenced by our personal beliefs, wants, desires and preferences. When everyone is unique and every action colored by the past, its impossible not to have different opinions. So what's the line between judging and wishing people did things your way because your way is proven? Do we cross the line when we express our views strongly or is the silence with the judgmental look and attitude even worse?
We decide not to say anything for fear of being judged back but that silent betrayal is worse in my book but that is the beauty that is life.

Sun-Filled days

2010-11-10T14:53:00.001-08:00

Sunny days

I love sunny days, the days where my soul just glows
Radiating such warmth from deep within
And I remember to be grateful for the joy I feel
The happiness that just seems to follow me everywhere
When the cold, cold winter comes
Then I can draw on the sunny memory from today
And warm my heart with beautiful thoughts
From a sun filled day!

Invisible Monster!

2010-10-29T13:10:00.001-07:00

Invisible monster

You don’t hear it coming
You don’t see it coming
Like a tornado that leaves only destruction
A force to be reckoned with rips into our lives
And in a whirl disrupts everything
You feel the after effects for a long time
And you wonder what you did to deserve a visit;
From the much feared invisible monster!
Its power is deceptive, its stealth uncanny
But it doesn’t bear good tidings-
Just merciless surprise.
With surgical precision it cuts deep
And your life is in shreds before you know it.
A phoenix rises from the ashes so there’s hope-
That tomorrow will be a better day
And in the aftermath, you will find yourself again!

Thawed!

2010-10-21T15:54:00.001-07:00

Thawed

You took a chisel to the ice that surrounded my heart
Then you massaged it with your bare hands
And I could feel the heat transfer to the cold, cold places
With one touch you brought me back
I am suddenly warm from the inside out
And the blood pumping through warms and comforts me
I am alive… and grateful to feel once again!

Intentions

2010-10-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

Intentions

We start out with the best but in no time find the conundrum that is life sitting heavily on our shoulders, in no time we are in the doldrums screaming; “rescue me’! To no avail.
The heavy clouds roll in the sky and the threatening rain doesn’t offer much solace, I know it will be merciless yet I have no shelter. The only option is to learn how to enjoy the rain and ignore the lightning as it flashes across the sky and believe that’s God wondrous hand at work and smile and feel lucky for the miracle I witnessed.

Quick... Too Quick!

2010-10-11T14:14:00.001-07:00

Quick… Too Quick

Quick to judge, quick to decide what’s right or wrong,
Your ideas aren’t always right or best for ME.
It’s easy to think you know best when you are on the outside looking in
You aren’t qualified to impose your opinions on me
Be slow to pass judgment because it’s not your concern.
Just mind your own business and let me be.
At the end of the day, I am not thinking about you
I am thinking about me and living MY life
So go on and do you, and forget I exist in your space
Because I don’t, never did really!

Fearless

2010-10-08T16:38:00.001-07:00

Fearless

I hesitate momentarily at the entrance
I stand there fearless yet I don’t open the door
Am I more afraid of what’s beyond the door or
Do I just not want to find out?
Leaving my comfort zone is easier said than done
But I am warrior and I am always ready
I am here to battle every force until I achieve
That which I was born to achieve.
Nothing is standing in my way,
Except my own self enforced limitations.
I am leaving the shackles that hold me back behind.
Now its do or die.
Here I come world!

UnBurdened

2010-10-06T14:19:00.001-07:00

Unburdened

Swaying in the wind in sync with the trees
How peaceful, how beautiful the motion.
Just listening to the wind as it whispers;
As it passes along messages of love and peace.
The branches and leaves tenderly caress and hug each other
This must be heaven, I think.
I know this moment won’t last forever
So I choose to savor and enjoy each second
For life will soon intrude on this safe haven!
I am as light as a feather, no worries, and no cares.I will bask in this moment for as long as I can…

Wishes

2010-10-04T12:13:00.001-07:00

Wishes

I woke up one morning and I was a toy out of my box, oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t human anymore. I called and cried out but no one heard me so there was no rescue, I wasn’t real after all!
I wished upon a star and went to sleep hoping that when I woke the spell would have been reversed and I was alive.
All the kids wanted to play with me the next day but all I wanted was to be a kid myself.
I hope when I wake tomorrow I will be real!

Myth or Truth

2010-10-01T16:28:00.001-07:00

Myth or truth

Chasing the unicorn,
The state of nirvana is the goal.
The feeling of euphoria is my wish.
Can I find this utopia?
Unattainable, unreachable, unsearchable?
What’s left?
Where do I start?
Is it even possible?
Search and not give up, is what I’ll do!
Its out there I know.
I will try to get as close as possible at least.

Action

2010-09-30T15:28:00.001-07:00

Action

Stop thinking and just do it already! We waste too much time procrastinating and thinking of the things we should do instead of just getting on with it. There is a time for everything and although it feels like the time is never enough to start actually start living, we are often stuck in the mundane. We have to create time; with effort and persistence it can be done. I will start my various journeys today, no excuses. Join me in the quest that is an adventurous life, well and truly lived.

Noise

2010-09-29T16:03:00.001-07:00

Noise

The world is always bustling, a million things going on at the same time just like our minds. Curiosity rules us and in our bid to discover as much as we can, we overtax ourselves and take on more than we can handle. We have to find the quiet so we don’t go crazy, to preserve the delicate balance we have to know how much to take on before it’s too much and we are buried under the load of frustration. In silence and self reflection we can discover the true ‘us’ and what we are capable of. Seek lasting fulfillment not a temporary ease that’s ever so sweet yet so fleeting!

War :-)

2010-09-27T15:10:00.000-07:00

War

Life is war, we can always take every precaution but there will be unexpected casualties. I am taking it back; the power to decide how I react to the outside forces, those things that are beyond my control. My reaction is the only tool in my bag of handling the unexpected. I choose joy and my relationship with sorrow and uncertainty is over. Life is short and fragile, kid gloves one minute and ‘big boy’ pants the next. Come on life, bring it, I am ready to fight.

Cheers :-)

2010-09-24T16:00:00.001-07:00

Face your greatest fear so you can be free to live life to the fullest, with confidence take that first step of faith. What we don’t know always seems scarier than it actually is. Fear can be debilitating, eating us from the inside but we have to break those chains and seek a higher purpose. We are here for a reason and if we don’t leave fear behind us, we will never reach our full potential.
We should live like freedom is our birthright!!

Gift?

2010-09-23T13:42:00.001-07:00

Perspective and choice, interesting how they complement each other; in the best of circumstances of course. The ability to see everything as it should be and judging it accurately is a gift we often take for granted, just like choice. The hardest thing to do is stay objective when our experiences color everything we see, hear, feel and say. We have to step out of our comfort zones and view things from other people’s eyes and empathize with them when we can or better yet have an independent point of view that has nothing to do with the choices we’ve made in the past. We tend to select what sits most comfortably with us when the opportunity and power to make that decision arises. We have to be worthy of our perspective when given the choice :-)

Moments

2010-09-22T10:57:00.001-07:00

Moments

On a cold day I want to recapture the warmth of the sun, exactly as it felt on my skin on the day I sat under the clear sky but it’s for naught.
The splendor I once lived is gone and all I have is the pleasant, warm memory.
What we lose might be gone forever, never to be regained.
Treat each day as if it were the last and try to do everything right and with compassion for all.
Enjoy THIS moment for we will never recapture its glory AGAIN!

Life's Tale

2010-09-21T14:22:00.000-07:00

This moment is just but a blimp in time, a pause in the movie that is life
I choose to live it like it was the entire play, an integral part in the story it will tell
Some moments will be fast paced, others slow, pain will come and go
So will love on its fleeting wings as we bask in its glory
Faithfully, day by day and with patience and care; I will laugh and live
As I weave the bits of my story, hoping I will be proud of the result...
At the end!

Journey

2010-09-17T16:11:00.001-07:00

Journey

Any journey starts with a decision then a step. I want to know myself enough to know what track I should stay on and what new adventures I should pursue. Will I run, sprint, jog or just walk? I’ll start with self discovery and see where the path leads me and at whatever speed, I am sure a lesson will be learnt ……….. at the end.

Purpose

2010-09-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Purpose

What is my purpose in this world? I read something that I will never forget; we should want to love and obey God like a fish that’s been taken out of water, how much do you think that fish needs to breathe? How about if we are thrown in the water, what would we be willing to do to get just one breath? It may sound desperate but living life fully is all about taking every opportunity presented to us and leaving whatever is holding us back behind. I never want to look back at anything with regret, I will define how I want to live and just do it!

Mirror

2010-09-15T12:16:00.001-07:00

Mirror

Does the mirror ever lie or do we look and see a different reflection from what we expected? We sometimes get caught up in the daily grind and forget to look in the mirror; we don’t see the shadows under our eyes or anything hidden behind the surface. We are too busy getting by that we forget to actually stop and start living, as an escape that’s an awesome strategy; never having to take responsibility for things we’ve done, always having someone or something else to blame. We overindulge ourselves and in doing so avoid any harsh judgment from the face staring back at us, it becomes but a mirage of reality, our subterfuge LOL

Balance

2010-09-14T13:09:00.001-07:00

Balance

What is my place on this stage that is life, will I ever find the perfect balance?
I seem to stagger around lost on too many occasions, I want to be calm even when the storm rises and threatens to displace my fulcrum. Am I able to stand my ground or be flexible when I need to be? How do I know what the right action is? Perfect equilibrium must be the hardest thing to figure out.I want to be poised at all times no matter what battles I fight, confident that I will emerge victorious in the end. I will not sway, I will not waiver, and I must sit on both sides of the lever equally.

SAD

2009-10-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

I could hear the heart wrenching sobs; I couldn’t believe that such a beautiful soul was so sad. The volatile emotions on her face told her story and it was so profound that she didn’t need to say a word. Someone was holding her heart captive with chains stronger than steel and her existence without him was nothing but a shadow. Her heart had found its true mate and she didn’t want to settle for less. The sun will peek from the dark clouds soon, that’s all I could tell her, hope and faith would make it a better day soon!

Quiet Storm

2009-10-28T15:57:00.000-07:00

A blow up catches all of us by surprise unless it’s a false alarm that never gets out of hand. It brews and broods quietly, instead of the volatile explosion we expect it becomes a quiet storm that comes and goes without ruffling too many feathers. Only the person in the eye of the storm feels the impact and everything else is left intact, how amazing is that? For all that damage to happen in one area and leave the rest untouched.
Violence is not always beautiful but at times it’s necessary to remove obstacles along the way but if we all seethe inside calmly and with control, then the spark doesn’t have to become a full blown fire but there are times we need a bomb to level everything out and start afresh. New beginnings have so much promise and the journey is mostly a surprise because we cannot predict what’s likely to happen but just that chance makes such a difference and gives hope where there was none and that is the beauty.
Fact and truth vary, facts are set in stone and cannot be changed but the truth is yours to own and twist and change as you deem fit. The tears will be shed after a bad day but on the brighter side that is a day lived and however it turned out, its one down in the big picture that is life.
Cheers to the storm that is living :-)

Perception

2009-10-01T11:07:00.001-07:00

My perception is my reality, as unique as my DNA and is solely mine. You may agree with me or not but it truly doesn't matter because life is a façade. Things are rarely what they seem to be & we at times live a lie to camouflage an even deeper untruth. We should let everyone keep their secrets and leave Pandora’s Box unopened; discovery is not always as vital as it seems and mostly brings unwelcome troubles.
What is a lie anyway? And what is in a lie? Do good intentions make it any less of a lie? Does it really matter where I am coming from? Without the necessary insight, it’s impossible to decide and even worse to judge that which we don’t understand.The lies we live can be amusing & entertaining when the shoe is not on the other foot. Look in the mirror first or better yet as the Bible says remove the log in your eye before you "see" the speck in your brother’s eye. I am not sitting on a high horse here, I am often mad at myself because I seldom take my own advice.What is that gap that cannot be filled by mere words and what is it they say about actions speaking louder than words? It’s good to always take a step back & reassess the situation when we are not hot under the collar.Don't be resentful when things don't go your way, life is funny at times and provides comedic relief to those that are watching. As the Bible says the tongue is as sharp as a double edged sword and can hurt in ways we would never imagine. We need to measure our words carefully and speak only when we must.
Lastly, don’t be mad at the world when things don’t go your way – be mad at yourself ha ha ha!

Blindfold

2009-09-30T15:57:00.001-07:00

Life can be a quagmire at times but it’s an epic journey that needs to be savored despite the road blocks thrown our way. The different facets are what make this adventure such an enigma because we don’t know what to expect at the next turn. This piece is dedicated to my life mates, the true friends that have found me along the way & become my family with no hidden agenda J
Fire & Ice both burn but in totally different ways, in our case it was instant combustion & the flame still burns strong. The brilliance envelopes me from the inside and I am held powerless in its grip as I hope that the spark stays alive forever. A single touch sets me on fire and I am inflamed with passion like never before. I hope that my fire will never be put out by water and replaced by an ice block of a heart that burns just as fiercely and destroys every hope.
My feeling were roused by magic as they had been asleep for far too long, I am suddenly fully revitalized and ready to conquer whatever the journey ahead holds for me. As we walk on this undiscovered path and the fear of the unfathomed stays with us, we are not afraid even as we fly blind. Our instincts are guiding us and it’s a thrilling take off as we coast on a blissful sky drowning in each other.
We are fully aware of the dangers of the ‘blindfold’ but we choose to ignore them because our connection is not for naught. This force cannot be dismissed, as unexpected as it was – I am allowing this fire to burn. Sometimes we have to help each other go through the maze that is life even if we are both blindfolded, as long as we have each others backs, we shall find the way. We will fight like gladiators because we are not afraid of wanting more and defending our happiness, we are striving for a win because we will not be the pawns in this game.
We haven’t lost perspective because the significance of our actions is not lost to us but we will soar in the teeth of whatever storm brews. Denying this, is not living because we are beyond reason, desire has become my everyday reality. The first kiss sealed the deal and I am held captive by the depth of my uncharted emotions, completely caught me off guard because that part of me was long buried.
Control is impossible because we cannot exercise restraint; let the fantasy world remain intact. I can only hope it doesn’t come crashing down on us because I haven’t flown blind before, all I know is there’s bound to be an end or a different beginning.
The ride is exhilarating and I am buoyed forward by this foreign passion that invigorates me and makes everything possible.

Cheers to us all!

Samuel Travis Seales

2007-11-08T12:03:00.001-08:00

As I stayed up all night and cried my heart out, I watched the sun come up and I knew that I was supposed to be stronger than this or at least grieve with more hope than I was at the time. I called his voicemail several times, just to hear his voice one last time. The only thought going through my mind at the time was, I didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye. The finality of the moment was devastating, I couldn’t be at the funeral physically but spiritually I was all there. I know that he is in a better place but that refuses to sink into my heart & mind. At the moment, all I feel is a hurt so deep that I don’t even know what to do. I waited and I prayed, for strength, for comfort, for wisdom, for the right words when I called his family. The Lord came through for me as He always does and I was calm but for a moment as I spoke to his family. Once I was done, the torrent of tears started again and it physically hurt me to cry but I am glad I had that moment to say goodbye in my head, in my heart you will forever stay.
R.I.P. Travis, I miss you already but I trust we will be together again in glory someday as the Lord wishes.

My Heart

2007-10-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

For the loved ones who are not here with us anymore… Bryan, Muema, Liz, Tim & Travis

I carry you in my heart always,
The years seem like days when I remember your smile
I want to see you then I remember that you are gone
It only seems like yesterday when I hugged you goodbye
I see you in my mind’s eye and I miss you
I know I love you and not even time dulls that love
When we see each other again in eternity
I will treasure every moment we will have.

The Lord brought the calm after the storm
It seemed at first that the days would always be cloudy
But I saw the sun peek behind the clouds
And I thought you smiled at me from above
I saw the rainbow and I remembered how dear you are to me
And I know that the Lord knows best
And that His plans are perfect and His love endures forever
And I cling to that promise with all that I am

My mind is unquiet at times as I grieve
My heart seems to break a little every time I wish for you
But I find comfort in the Lord’s presence
He loves you, He loves me, He loves us
And we are together in spirit forever
I am grateful for the times we had
And the so many memories we made
I carry you in my heart always.

In every way I thank Him who gives and takes away (casting crowns)

Load

2007-08-30T09:14:00.001-07:00

A sister friend shared this with me and it made my day.
R.I.P. my brother. You will be missed
. Updated 10/20/07

Get well soon Travis, we love you.

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
there will always be sunshine,
after the rain ....

Perhaps you may stumble,
perhaps even fall,
But God's always ready,
To answer your call ...

He knows every heartache,
sees every tear,
A word from His lips,
can calm every fear ...

Your sorrows may linger,
throughout the night,
But suddenly vanish,
in dawn's early light ...

The Savior is waiting,
somewhere above,
To give you His grace,
and send you His love ..

Whatever your cross,
whatever your pain,
"God always sends rainbows .
after the rain ... "

TICK TOCK!

2007-08-23T14:40:00.000-07:00

As the clock ticks, the silence around us grows louder and louder as the tick intensifies and I wonder what awaits me as the day goes by. Each day comes with its own surprises, either good or bad and we have some part that we play in how everything works out but the major part is played by God, or fate or destiny if you prefer. We can make certain decisions in that split second that change our lives forever, for good or bad. It sounds unfair that people should pay the consequences for the rest of their lives and beyond for a decision that took a second to make.
The code a man lives by defines him, forever strong it stands, no matter what comes, who we are, helps us deal with whatever hand life deals us. In the blink of an eye everything can change and the person you thought you were could vanish to be replaced by a stranger who either scares you or makes you proud. Depending on how resilient you discover you are, these hardships are what help define us, when they push us to what we thought was our limit, how we come out on the other side helps us understand that the limit is not set in stone but can be adjusted accordingly.
The eyes are the key to the soul, as ‘they’ say. What do people see when they try to look inside and find all those hidden parts of you that you don’t even know exist? I know we can hide whatever we want to hide and people can look without ever discovering those chambers of darkness camouflaged by good.
There are smoking mirrors everywhere, illusions.. that sometimes protect and guard us against the enemy, even from ourselves or fool everyone around us to think we are something we are not.
The tangled web we weave around us gets more and more complicated each day, as we live and interact with each other, we pull others into our web or we keep our secrets inside and no one can penetrate our fortress.
Have an awesome weekend everyone.

In other news, our sweetie doesn’t get deployed until Jan. 08. Thank you Lord for the extra months at home :-)

The Bitter taste of betrayal

2007-08-08T10:54:00.000-07:00

Written by my guest blogger EMW. Thank you dear :-)

Enter Vince. Perfect all consummate man, who is just revealed his dirty little secret to the love of his life, Allegra...

The question she posed carried even more weight than the box of junk he carried downstairs the night before, resting squarely on his conscience. He suspected the next one would carry even greater weight, "was it good", she pursed the words through her lips, which he could barely hear through her clenched teeth. "Tell me Vince-was she fucking great?". The air around him felt like a boiler, 100 degrees and counting. His sweat glands dribbled to the surface. Images conjured up in his mind. Hanna's scent… The steam from the hot shower scalding against his skin. Both their skins.
"Come on Vince, you've gotta say something! Anything, or are you still soaking
her up", her voice rising with each syllable. "You can't ask me that"
"And why can't I?", you're the one messing up this relationship by sleeping
with someone else, so if you hadn’t done it, I wouldn't have to ask it", declared Allegra. "Ok. No she wasn't. Obviously not?"
"Don't lie to me Vince", as she edged closer waving the accusing finger. "Don't freaking lie to me".
"Please hon, I just told you. It just happened once...and.....we were both drunk...and", he stuttered, feeling the pressure to reveal everything yet
cautious to not set off the ticking time bomb that was her emotions. "Stop swallowing the truth Vince. Just say it. You slept with her for the entire weekend and you loved every minute of it and now I'm going to tell my naive loving girlfriend, who's by the way is going to forgive me and kiss me and tell me that all men make stupid silly mistakes which should not ruin our perfect drama-free life", chimed Allegra ,with a falsetto mocking tone,
"you just had it all planned out didn't you?"
"Now just wait a minute.."
No longer had he started giving his rebuttal when he watched her eyes well up, tears slid down her cheeks like the trickle of morning rain against the clear glass of the window. He made an attempt to reach out to her, but she threw a fit, her arms waving him off, as she backed into the porcelain jar by the cabinet. It did a slight jig, left ,right, lingered for a second then tumbled over as it smashed on the cold hard concrete.
"Shit!shit!shit!", she cursed, " look what you made me do".
It lay in pieces, spreading out into the kitchen. She hesitated for a moment, holding her hair back against her head.
"I'll go get something to clean it off", offered Vince.
"No Vince-forget it. I'll clean up the mess myself.....this whole fucking mess". Vince in tuned on the last expletive as referring to the relationship that was about to crumble. She took a moment to compose herself. The silence made it stretch out, for what seemed like an eternity. Vince knew he wanted to apologize a million times over, perhaps to make her believe how sorry and heavily it weighed on him. But he feared, because he now did not know what to expect. How she would react or whether it would make her emotions spiral out of control. She finally gave him a look, and looked at him deep. She felt the turmoil rise within her, suffocating her ability to reason, make a conscionable effort to listen to his silly excuses and anything he would offer in the form of an apology. She felt the stuffiness around her face, the flush of redness envelope her cheeks.
"I can't do this now", as she wiped the stream of tears around her chicks.
"Not here. Not today Vince. I just need you to leave......now".
This is what he feared.
"Please honey, just listen, just for a second', continued Vince. He felt his heart race, yearning to break free from its host: to escape the guilt that swelled within his insides, choking on the words to express his pitiful remorse.
"No Vince. You just feel different. This whole thing feels different. I thought about this happening to Nancy or Louise, but not me. I never thought you would do this to me. You are just not the same person I knew an hour ago. Please don't make this any harder than it should be", as she took a couple of steps away from him, cautiously treading on the debris. She reached for the door and flung it wide open.
"Please leave right now.......just go."
The moment fastened within his mind. He thought about life and the many doors he felt himself getting pushed through, but never did he imagine it would come to this; getting pushed through this one, by the one person he cared about with all his heart. He feared what it meant. Whether the world and all its worries and troubles would swallow him up, together with the pain he brought to her and the guilt he was about to lug with him. He took one last look at her and realized that each second that passed with him in her presence, the more pain he registered in her eyes. He felt the weight of the imaginary duffel bags around his ankles as he took his first few steps closer to the abyss, into the world where liars and unfaithful men trod the
earth, lost and searching for redemption.
He stole one more glance as he passed by her, the wetness of her blushed cheeks almost palpable. She looked at him one more time, then turned away, as though she would turn into a pillar of salt if she held it any longer. The air of betrayal suffocated any hope to make her realize how sorry he was, and she felt weak to entertain it. No sooner had he stepped out on the patio, did the door slam behind him, followed by the muffled, intermittent sobs from within. He could now feel the pain pierce his insides. He hated seeing her cry, but this time it burned because he was the one that had caused it all.
He stood there on the front porch, recalling the exchange that was a minute ago. The chill in the air was unwelcoming. The oak trees on her front yard, standing tall, firm, Impenetrable, representing everything that he wasn't. It was unusually windy. He watched the rippling effect of the tiny air pockets carry up the leaves and everything in their paths, scattered in places that felt strange and unwelcoming. Places that he himself did not want to go, but possibly had to reside. The reality that was, this was the life without her.
He rubbed his palms together and hesitantly made his way through the wind, reviewing everything in his mind. How it happened. She didn't even give him a chance to make his case.
But the damage had been done and things would never be the same between them........

Sound

2007-08-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Time is like sound, missed most when its not there anymore
Be good M.

I was traveling at the speed of sound, not knowing where I was going but rushing through life like there was a fire behind me. Wandering aimlessly, not exactly looking where I was going until I crashed into something, I remember the sound, the sound of a “wake up call”, the sound of a heart breaking into little pieces! Then came the excruciating pain and the disaster that follows after a serious crash.
Is this where I am supposed to be at this exact moment? I can’t help but think that I needed something to open my eyes and force me to slow down, it was a downhill race at a very high speed, death defying stunts included of course. I must say the crash could have been worse, but did it have to happen at this exact moment?.
There are all kinds of things going on around me and I am consumed by the things I see and what I feel inside. I do not want to open my eyes to see what the damage is because I know once I see, I will not be able to look away. I have to concentrate on getting up and on finding out exactly where I am. Am I lost? The panic starts to come slowly but surely, what did I crash into? Am I alone? Are there any survivors? AM I DEAD? Oh, my God! Now this is the panic that shatters everything, I cannot stand, I cannot breath, I cannot feel myself, am I even there???
This thing, whatever it is, is all consuming and I am in this other world by myself it seems and whatever it is I crashed into. Could I have been traveling in my mind and not literally as I thought or was I in a train that crashed? I remember seeing everything going by, really, really fast…
I now hear the echo from a distance and I don’t know if I should hide or wait and find out what is coming towards me, on the other hand it could be the effects of the aftershock.
I hear the resonating sound get closer and louder, and then my eyes open and I am exactly where I want to be, unharmed and smiling 
The human heart and mind can sometimes be fickle, the emotions attached unreliable but it sure beats logic that they are the strongest things sometimes!…

Wishes

2007-08-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

This is dedicated to you, MMW.

I wish I was in control, I wish I was in charge. I know the Lord watches over us and I trust that He is in control and there is no one I would trust with you more than Him. It just shatters my heart that I do not have a say in destiny or don’t even know what the future will bring. Is it wrong to want to linger over a few meals and keroro of course and go out together and know at the end of the day I will hear you walk upstairs with a funny story on your lips or a crazy idea?
Have you ever had the floor you were standing on yanked from right under you, that’s the way I have been feeling for the last week since you told me and that must be a small fraction of what you feel my dear. We will stand together, even when apart and we will be fine and protected by powers way beyond us.
This illusion of safety, that we had for so long is what bothers me, for so long we thought everything was fine and stable and now…. I have something stuck in my throat and it feels like an ocean of tears is about to flood in but I have to be strong, because I have to be strong for us all.
The armor that is our love will withstand whatever comes our way, I have faith that time will pass quickly and in no time, you’ll be back here, WHOLE.
As we stand on the brink of despair, we must go to our stronghold and hang tight and gather all weapons we have from our memory bank especially and count on that. Together we will stand even with deserts between us, even as the forces beyond our control separate us, WE WILL STAND!
Go with God and our love, right behind you, right beside you, inside you, infront of you, all around you.

"The fiction that we live"

2007-07-20T15:06:00.001-07:00

“The fiction that we live”, this was part of someones writing on their “canvas” aka body art and it inspired something in me because it rang true, most times we live this lie that we perpertrate for our own protection or to hide out from ourselves and others until we believe in it so much that we forget its fiction!
We all believe in many different things but we choose to fight for those that we passionately believe in. When it comes to God and family, friends and those issues that touch us to the core, we fight like a lioness protecting her cub. Is it true that if you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything?
Everything in moderation of course, even passion and belief otherwise we become fanatics and no obsession is healthy!
I don’t believe in anyone being a matyr, shouldn’t you stay alive so that your cause actually has a voice? Dying is a cope out, people left behind, now, focus on you and most times on your life or lose of life and often forget what it was you died for. Don’t get me wrong, there are causes out there that are worthy but if every one matyrs themselves, then we have no soldiers or warriors left to fight the battle. Isn’t better to live for a cause rather than die for it? I do understand that sometimes, there is no choice but death!
Sometimes your comrades and loved one will try to stand in your place but often times they are not as passionate as you were or their passion is short lived since its driven by the loss they experienced by losing you. Time passes and the hollow parts left in our lives never completely fill up again but it does change that sharp edge of grief and as much as we don’t want to accept, it kind of dulls it!
There are certain circumstances in life that push us to stand up for what we believe in, instead of being confidently quiet when the hornet’s nest is stirred we acquire a voice and get loud until the waters are calm again. Sometimes people push us to that edge without realizing that their words are the driving force and certain actions pushed the button and hence cannot be ignored.
No one can steal your faith, what you believe is yours to keep, defend and fight for if necessary, sure faith in certain things can change but its your choice, when you are forced then what you believe deep within still stays. I will never forget an example I read in a parenting book when I was barely ten. (I wanted to know what my parents were reading :-). It gave an example of a disobedient boy that would get beaten by the mother if he didn’t listen and do as she said. So one time she was yelling at him to sit down, he did sit but in his head & heart, he was still standing and that wasn’t obedience according to the author, that was just agreeing with his mother to avoid the beatdown that was sure to come!. That was pretty powerful to me and made me realize that sometimes people do certain things because they are expected to, that doesn’t mean that they believe those things. Its contradictory because most times we are judged by our actions but there are those exceptions where the actions are the result of things that we don’t even understand or how we got to that point is a mystery to us!
Does what you say under pressure change what you feel and believe?
Where is our courage, conviction and integrity?

END: Life's Journey, Part III

2007-01-09T14:02:00.000-08:00

I can see the dark clouds brewing in the sky, there is going to be a storm and I will be all alone battling the sky’s anger towards the earth for whatever crimes committed. Maybe this is the punishment I deserve, being alone in a storm and wishing desperately for you, for your comforting arms and your calm voice. I remember the last storm, we were caught in and how quickly it seemed to pass because you were there. As the wind howled louder and louder you asked me to dance so that we could create our own music and the storm wouldn’t be able to drown out our love. As the ceaseless thunder rolled and the lightning lit up everything in a strange light, time stood still for us. There are times like now when I wish for that stillness that you brought and the brand of warmth and security that only came with you.
Being held in your arms was always magical, everything around us seemed to stand still, we were in a bubble and everything had stopped existing. It was just the two of us in our cocoon of love and I remember you gently kissing my throat and nibbling on my ears. I could hear the thump of your heart as it beat loud, fast and strong and I felt like all the blood was rushing through my head. My temple was pounding, every part of me was throbbing with restricted passion begging to set the animal in me free and I could literally feel you steal my breath away. You were the air that I breathed; our synchronized heartbeats united our spirits like nothing else could. I remember looking into your dark eyes and seeing my reflection there made me realize that there was no other place I’d ever want to be.
That was when I realized that it was suddenly very quiet and all I could hear was our labored breathing and the gentle swish of the tree branch against the window. We had been standing there, swaying with the motion of the song in our hearts for more than one hour. You held me tight in your arms and its as if you never wanted to let me go, it seemed like you were committing this moment to memory like there was a chance that we would never have another one. How right you were, if only I had known I would have held on a little more desperately, a little longer. Time is beyond my control and so many other things that change who we are and where we end up being even what isn’t part of the plan.
The hollow part of my heart pulsates with pain at points in time when the memories are too strong, of kisses shared in the rain, in bed, wherever we were a part of us had to touch. I found indescribable ecstasy in your arms, I will cherish those special times forever, I don’t have a choice anyway your love holds me captive. I am not sure if I ever want to be free even if we will never be together; I would rather treasure every second of sheer joy that I discovered with you. The laughter that never ended, the smile that never left your eyes or your lips and the adoration that defies expression. It is an endless chain of torture for me to try and block these images of us from my mind and of course my heart hasn’t forgotten. You do have the rest of me and I wish I could get it back so that I could move on and try to create new moments.
I want my days to stop being dark and dismal, I want to glow with the joy of a new love, with the hope that tomorrow will be beautiful and I will soar to the clouds with my beloved. I am incomplete without you, I know that we are destined to be together but how much longer must I wait? How do I know that you are not out there in the arms of another, would you betray me so? Does anybody care that I cannot let go, for some reason I cannot move on, maybe I value the past too much and maybe I am hoping for a miracle that just won’t happen?
I remember standing with you under the stars and making secret wishes about each other and about our future. It was magic watching the deep blue sky so well lit by the stars, as we held each other a shooting star went by and I could have sworn that the night bewitched us. We lay there all night and watched the morning mist form a cloak around us as nature woke us up to delight in each other’s embrace. I could hear the birds call out to their mates and the answer tugged on the chords of my heart, such a beautiful sound, the sound of returned love. Now I know that lost love is a disease that beguiles me of all sense, everything else becomes irrelevant.
As time passes, I do realize that it heals all wounds and although I was skeptical about this as the months pass and the season’s changes the better I get at being alone. I feel whole and for once in a long time I am content to be just me and to actually enjoy the sunset again without being bombarded by emotions that I cannot control. There are entire days that I don’t think of CJ, just a passing thought hoping that he is fine. This is certainly different from the deep ache I experienced with every breath I took and the shadow of pain that gripped my heart at the sight of two people together in love. I can enjoy a good nights sleep now and I find myself smiling simply at the joyful occasions in my life and the friends that have always been there for me. I realize that life is too short to be wasted on the past and that there is a bright future ahead of me that cannot be discovered if I don’t take any chances.
Slowly by slowly, CJ and I are finding our friendship back without the doubts and without the tension that comes with one of us loving the other more. Our friendship is the most precious thing to me and I wouldn’t want to jeopardize it with confessions of love, I think that the focus of this love has shifted and that we are back to where we began. I don’t know how I would feel if he got married tomorrow but I do know that I would be happy for him if he was. I had been selfish for too long and I now know that true joy can only be found in selflessly giving of yourself and truly loving another by giving them freedom. Humility wants the very best for another even if the plan does not include you or go as planned by both in the past. This is not to deny the love that will always be there between us or pretend that something extraordinary didn’t happen, this is survival. I have realized that hanging on to a dream is not the way to live, instead I will embrace each moment and look for happiness again.
There are so many things in the world that can fill my life and realizing this is like a new lease on life extended to me. From the beautiful dawn as everything comes to life again to the sunset that casts a magical glow on everything, I do realize that things could be much worse. I am optimistic that the best is yet to come, my eyes are open looking for that special magic and better yet my heart is open like never before. Sometimes we think that the best was in the past then we find something so rare and so wonderful that we realize that our past life would not even come close to it. Through the pain and despair an unbelievable gift is brought into our lives just to realize that if we hadn’t lost, the gift wouldn’t be as appreciated.
Are there moments in time where we are caught unaware by feelings so intense that days later we cannot even begin to describe how we got to this place. I am at another place and I am at a loss how this journey began, it will not be a heart stopping story but it is a story that is occupying my time and having me concentrate on the now not the past. As somebody famously said “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving all pretty and preserved,but rather skid on the broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming… ‘WOW’ What a ride!. And I take those words to heart.

Life's journey : Part II

2007-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

I do believe that CJ is my soul mate, that better part of me that is out there in the world. Sometimes it is true that we can spend the rest of our lives looking for something that is right in front of us. We would walk hand in hand and gaze into each other’s eyes for long periods of time, just content to be in each other’s arms. I don’t exactly remember what thoughts ran through my mind then, all I know is the joy I felt in my heart and I remember wanting to skip around all the time.
I am sure that I will never forget that first kiss, it felt like candle wax was being poured on my already heated skin and the gentle breeze was changing the heat to a sweet pain. This was a night different from all the others, the air had an energy that wasn’t normal, and the moon was unusually bright, hiding behind the clouds and casting shadows on his features. The night cast its magical spell on us and time stood still as we looked at each other and let everything in the background fade away. We drew closer and closer in unplanned steps and I could feel his heart echo my heart’s beat and nothing was more important that what was going to happen next. I thought that the torrent of needs was going to wash me away or at least knock me off my feet. Never in my life had I anticipated anything more than that kiss, I remember watching him and just holding my breath.
The air was pregnant with desires that had been unfulfilled for far too long, the longing in that moment could not possibly ever be conveyed on paper. I can still feel the blood pulsing or rather pounding in my veins as I watched the slow descent of his lips. My eyes closed and I felt his breath on my lips a moment before he took my trembling lips into his mouth, I must have sighed because it felt like I had been waiting for this moment forever. Those few seconds before he kissed me seemed like forever, I was sure that I would never draw another breath until our lips met. There was a magical beat of wholeness that I cannot understand to this day and it felt like I had finally come home after a long time.
I am afraid that I will not do our first kiss justice as I try to describe something that is not luculent. When our lips met, I felt as if my knees had stopped supporting me and when I could have fallen if CJ hadn’t held me up. I can feel my body react to the moment his arms went around me, I had been held in those arms so many times before yet this was different. I felt as if my soul and his came together at that exact moment never to leave each other, I don’t know how long we stood under the stars or how long the cloak of passion held us captive all I know is, there will never be another first kiss. At some point we had to stop and catch our breaths and even as we drew apart, we came together again. We didn’t talk about it that night or the next day but we kind of went on like we had always been at that point in our relationship or like the past had never happened.
My life was changed irrevocably that night, and there are many nights I lay awake and wonder if I had the power if I could change that moment so the longing would go away. I would rather have that one kiss than a lifetime spent wondering what would have happened between us. I remember fondly the days of our carefree youth, when neither of us had a care in the world or that’s how it seemed when we saw each other. Now it seems like the loads of the world are on our shoulders or we let them get to us and what’s worse is we don’t have each other to lean on, as much as I would want. Looking back, I can see the smiles on our younger faces as we lived crazily from day to day always ending up in each other’s arms. If you found CJ, you would find me, I don’t know how we always seemed to be together even when in a group.
I chose to give my heart away it wasn’t stolen from me, maybe there wasn’t anything I could have done about it but I would rather think that I had control over what happened. I remember one day sitting outside in the yard and drowning in his eyes, they had this captivating look that drew me to the magic that was CJ. They are not unusual eyes, the brown in them just enchanted me and they seemed to pierce right into my soul and it seemed like I couldn’t keep any secrets from him. We would sit on a chair out there and try to shield each other from the sun, as he rubbed my back or my feet or just sat silently in each other’s presence.
I am very surprised that we did not end up together sooner rather than later. When I look back at the years I knew CJ, I cannot remember the moments I wasn’t with him. I realize now that those moments were there, its just that in my mind they were not that significant or my mind simply does not bring them to recollection. I did find him attractive even then, that rugged look and those piercing eyes that would just not leave my dreams. I already loved the man he was but I stopped those thoughts before they were fully formed and somehow I managed to separate my dreams from reality. After all CJ didn’t date, I always used to tell him that he was a hit and run kind of guy. Whatever made me think he could change for me is beyond me, but this is not a story of regret but a story of the magic of love and the undying hope that comes with it.
What beautiful moments we spent together, the days never seemed to be long enough whether we were talking, drinking, eating, the time was always too short. I know that there were many nights that I just wanted to stay awake and savor every moment and keep it in my memory bank for reference on cold nights. Time is the enemy in this case, it does dull some of the magic as it passes especially since we are so far away and can not now create new memories. I doubt that we will ever recapture those moments of pure bliss or we will walk away wondering what would have been if circumstances had been different. His euphonious voice fills my dreams and drives me mad with want and need, just to see him one more time but I cannot help but wonder if once would be enough.
A shiver goes up my back and I could have sworn that the wind’s whisper was his voice close to my ear telling me to hang on and never lose hope. Sometimes a stranger comes my way and there is something familiar about him, be it his walk or smile or some feature and there is an eerie feeling in the air as we pass each other. Those are the moments that take me back to the sweetness and innocence of moments past when I believed that all you had to do was love each other. How harsh the lessons of life have been in that aspect, if that is all it took then I would be with my beloved never having known a moment’s pain or separation.
Another dusk and I am standing at my window looking outside as the rain drenches the ground, the water is getting sucked up right in front of my eyes. The ground must be as thirsty as my heart that longs for one man’s love, I now realize that I have been afraid of my shadow for far too long. I have been hiding out, afraid to venture out there and find out what the world holds in store for me. I now realize that nursing a broken heart is no excuse, maybe I am looking to recapture something that is lost in time and no matter how hard I seek it, it can never be found. The rain poured silently and watching it hit the ground reminded me of the tears that I had shed many times. My futile search reminded me of the deep heartbreak that words really couldn’t describe, of the anguished sleepless nights when I thought that the devil wrestled my soul away from me.
I am all for fighting for love but sometimes that fight just isn’t worth it, many are times that I have been on the battle field for months and at the end all I feel is exhaustion and wonder if it was even worth it. The sweat running down my scarred back brings me no consolation; was it just another whirlwind romance gone wrong. Why must I battle forces that are beyond me, why do I feel like I am always looking for something that escapes me just when I am about to recapture it? Is it really true that if you let something go it will come back to you if it was meant to be? I beg to differ, I am sure that I have let many fights go after fighting to my near death. I wonder if fighting with everything that one has is truly letting go or holding on, I should walk away from my next fight and I will truly find out how true this is.
I believe that I was born a soldier, one destined to fight for everything they have, from birth I have known that nothing is free in this world and to get what you want you must get your hands dirty. I find my story interesting because love is ever elusive and the few moments spent in the arms of my beloved have not amounted to much thus far. I am helpless as I stand to the side and watch things unfold right before my eyes, could it be that I was chasing my own tail all along. Was I just enjoying the thrill of the wind blowing fast behind me as I ran towards the finish line just to realize that at some point of the run, I had let go of my beloved’s hand? Sometimes I feel like a stranger looking in from the outside, wondering who that happy girl looking into her lovers’ eyes is. This torments me more than anything else does because my heart calls to that girl inside of me and I wonder if she really is lost forever.
I want to remember only the star kissed moments like when we walked on the beach with the wind blowing my hair and the sand caressing my feet as I walked. I remember thinking that it was the softest massage, one of God’s gifts to man, what beauty, how majestic, how loving the Lord must be. The gentle whisper of the rushing water and wind made every moment enchanted as I starred into your eyes, with all the love in my heart pouring out. I can still see you in my minds eyes racing towards the water like a little boy and looking and smiling back at me, at that moment I felt my heart constrict in my chest with a magnitude of love that is inexpressible. These are the moments that have me hoping that at the end of time we will not have lost this gift that was granted to us no matter what paths we took in this lifetime.
I can still hear your deep laughter, so sweet to my ear as you raced back to me and carried me over your shoulder and proceeded to dump me in the icy cold water. You heat up the water that surrounded us with your wet kisses and bold caresses, I was sure that I had died and gone to heaven. I can hear your voice close to my ear, telling me that I am your angel, your soul mate and that indeed this is kismet. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, from the special names to the sweet things you did to sweep me off my feet each day. CJ, when did we lose sight of our goal of forever? Were we really so naïve not to have thought of the future or did we really know that this wasn’t going to be forever?
One time at the beach you looked at me and asked, “you are my sunshine, right?” You then drew this big sun in the sand and put my name in the circle for the whole world to know that I lit up your world, as you put it. You told me that you never wanted to experience another moment without me by your side and that you wanted to be mine forever. These are the thoughts that are my undoing, how could such breathtaking moments be taken away from me? I wasn’t ready to let you fly away, I was just beginning to get used to waking up beside you and watching you wake up in the new dawn’s light. You are absolutely beautiful when you sleep my sweet and it doesn’t hurt that when I tried to move away from you, you would always draw me close and hold on even tighter. There are moments that I was sure my heart would burst with the love I had inside, the more I gave to you the more it was replenished. I was a storehouse of abundant love, overflowing over the edges dying to be given to you and only you.
Now all I have is this deep longing, this incessant thirst for your love. I want a love that is ageless, that will stand the test of time, distance and all other factors that we cannot control. There are perpetual fires in my belly that cannot be put out by any other man. It is you that I want; I want to experience the unending bliss that cannot be found anywhere else but in your arms. I have tried but no one else can satisfy the unremitting demands of my hunger for your loving. I want to walk hand in hand with you for the rest of my life and even to eternity. This is my greatest desire and my greatest fear because I wonder if you want the same, did my love enslave you too that you wouldn’t be any good for anyone else but me? I don’t want my love to be selfish and that is why I am trying to let you go, so that you can discover yourself out there and maybe find some of the sunshine we created together.

Exciting

2006-12-18T10:23:00.000-08:00

Please check out http://postsecret.blogspot.com/. New secrets are posted every week (Sunday) I think.

Life's journey Part 1

2006-12-06T14:27:00.000-08:00

This is going to be long and in parts but bear with me and enjoy the story as it unfolds, its been a year since I wrote this so I figured as an anniversary of sorts I would share this story.

This is my life’s journey; I never noticed how much I dwelt in the past or how much my energies were consumed by things I couldn’t change. I don’t know when the exact turning point was but I know that one-day I just stopped pining for my lost love. The acceptance was a new lease on life for me. I felt like a heavy load was lifted off my shoulders and this brought the realization that sometimes things didn’t always work out as planned. It’s been more than a year since CJ and I broke up and through all the months I realized that it’s true you crave most that which you cannot have. I might have taken CJ for granted sometimes when we were together but the one thing I never did was not love him enough. Maybe I could have expressed more love or tried to explain what he meant to me but until I lost him I never knew just how important the unsaid words were.
Looking back I see that there were many opportunities to cherish each other more or share special moments but we were always in a hurry to get to the next place. Maybe we should have enjoyed the sunsets more or stayed in bed longer or lingered over our afternoon tea. What I would have given to gaze into those eyes again or see his mouth curve in that smile or just stayed in his arms for a minute longer. Who would have known that our goodbye would be so final, the last time we saw each other we still hoped and dreamed of moments to come of sheer joy and pleasure in each other’s company. As time passed I must admit that I was plagued with guilt because I did not believe that our love was strong enough to withstand the distance, how right I was. I felt guilty because I did not have enough faith to carry us through the days or months that turned into years.
I still don’t know what I miss most; if it’s the times alone at night or not having a partner, someone I can run to and be sure that I am a priority. I am sure that CJ and I will always be friends but I am not first anymore, I am not that special part of him anymore. He has a new partner by his side, someone he shares everything with and someone he wakes up next to and shares his deepest desires and dreams with. The easy comfort we had is not there anymore, the words just don’t flow when we speak, I have to be careful not to let the longing I feel reflect in my voice or show him how desperately I miss him. Above all I want him to be happy not guilty for having moved on when I have been unable to give my heart to another.
This selfless love is not all its deemed to be, why must I be the one who cares so much for his well being, why can’t I just be selfish and look out for me? There are many dark nights I wish for that wild thrill I felt every time I saw him, so many moments of intense excitement now long gone. At the spur of the moment I would rush over from my house to his for just an afternoon of bliss doing unimportant things but being around him gave me so much joy. Maybe I am being pusillanimous, which is totally unlike me but when it comes to the future I really don’t want to find out how our story ends. I should start from the beginning on how we met and fell in love and what an incredible though short journey its been. But I wouldn’t live in peace if it weren’t a happy ending because all the sweet words CJ whispered were euphonious.
There are certain people that come into our lives and we don’t necessarily remember the exact moment they changed our lives but there was a special second when the connection was made. With CJ, there always was that click even before we became best friends, we would always look for each other in a crowd. We watched out for each other and had each others backs for as long as I can remember, there was always that love maybe more brotherly than lovers. Later on we would watch each other across the room and my heart would skip a beat on those occasions but I never tried to dissect what was going on. I chose to ignore those times and decided to just enjoy our friendship and not compromise it by trying to satisfy this hunger for more. I knew that every time I watched him unbeknownst to any one else, I would have all these feelings flood my system and I could barely wait to be next to him.
It never seemed odd that he was the first one I rushed home to see after I had been gone awhile or the one I wanted to speak to, the moment I woke up and right before I went to sleep. I always wanted to keep that special part of him for just me, I know its selfish but I still believe to this day that there is a part of him that I have seen that no one else has. It breaks my heart because I think he has a piece of my heart that I can never give to anyone else, I can’t help but wonder what will happen when I fall in love next. I hold dear and close to my heart the tender moments we shared and although at some point I have to let go, I am not ready to. There are times that I just want to be stuck in that moment never to leave behind the dream I hold so dear to my heart, CJ is my unicorn!
Time has passed since that first passion-laden look over our friends’ heads or that first heart-stopping kiss on a quiet tropical night. It wasn’t planned, it just seemed to jump out of the sky and stop us in our tracks.

To be continued...

Differences

2006-10-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

Buddha, “there’s no fire like passion, no shark like hatred, no torrent like greed”. Indeed hate and greed are powerful motivators and there are times we are caught in the incessant waves of hatred from feeling entitled to something we shouldn’t even be looking at. We want what we shouldn’t want with a desire that is unhealthy and a little crazy but we think we know best and don’t want to listen to the voices of reason. We are so caught up in certain situations that we cannot pull free, we are tangled up in a web of greed which in turn brews hatred the longer we don’t get what we want and only love can pull us out of this self destruction. Passion is this all consuming fire that will no be put out even by torrential rains because its determined to burn strong, come what may!
Is there more to people that what meets the eye or are we all really basic and at the core no different from the next person?
Do circumstances determine what picture we paint with our actions, speech and general behavior or do the people around us influence that more than we’d like to admit?
Is there something special that makes people the same or unites them in such a way that they really are one and the same man?
Shakespeare, “Life is a stage on which every man must play his part” we might regret some of our past actions but thank God that we still have a chance to rectify things along the way and do things we are proud of, come tomorrow.
Is there a way to reduce the disparity in the multitudes?
What discriminates us from each other?
What distinctions are there to identify one as greater or lesser than the other?
Is it just the choices we make from birth, from our parents making them for us, to taking over and making similar choices due to the way we were raised and after that having our children make those same choices?
Life is indeed a cycle, one circle of similar people meeting and marrying each other.
What is the magnitude or degree by which we are so different that nothing could ever bring us together?
There must be a deviation from what we consider the norm, for people to always be at cross points or are we digging too deep and not looking at the baser insticts in man?
Are there really irreconcilable differences?
Ingersoll said that anger blows out the lamp of the mind, have you ever been consumed by an anger that is indescribable that makes you a whole new person that cannot listen to reason because all you see is a haze of red and like an angry bull, you just charge without thinking?
These actions are the ones that brew differences that will never be forgotten, scars so deep that even when the repairs are made, the wound will still throb under the skin.
There is a certain inequality that somehow finds its way into our hearts and is so deeply ingrained that its harder to change who we are than we think.
What are those factors that affect the congruence in such a way that there is no harmony and disagreement thrives amongst men!
What creates this space between people, from thoughts to the consequential actions?
I sometimes think that we are remote from each other, removed from the emotions other men have, unable to be understanding or sympathetic at times, why?
Aloofness certainly doesn’t help build the society as one big home, we always end up leaving someone behind!
Is that what helps us stand apart and when did that become our number one goal?
Everywhere we look, the environment is cut throat and only the strong or sly win, is this so much a part of us that we’ll walk all over our brothers trying to get ahead?
Suppression reigns and at the end of the day whew we have a winner, nobody particularly cares how they got there!
And that my dear brethren, is the complexity of one of the facets of life!
I cannot help wondering how long such moments will last, like all other moments in the past, they come and they go as surely as the sun rises and sets each single day. There are times I want to hold on longer than I am supposed to and times I just want the day to pass as quickly as it came.

Happy October peeps :-)

Pessimist Vs. Optimist BY William Arthur Ward

2006-10-10T09:42:00.000-07:00

The pessimist finds fault;
The optimist discovers a remedy.
The pessimist seeks sympathy;
The optimist spreads cheer.
The pessimist criticizes circumstances;
The optimist changes conditions.
The pessimist complains about the apple seeds;
The optimist plants them.
The pessimist imagines impending peril;
The optimist sees signs of prosperity.
The pessimist disparages;
The optimist encourages.
The pessimist creates loneliness;
The optimist finds friends.
The pessimist nibbles at the negative;
The optimist is nourished by the positive.
The pessimist builds barriers;
The optimist removes roadblocks.
The pessimist invents trouble;
The optimist enriches the environment.

By William Arthur Ward

Hidden Message :-)

2006-10-04T16:58:00.000-07:00

Nick Bollettieri said, “the recipe for happiness is an insatiable curiosity, a joy of discovery, quickness to forgive, holding no grudges, loving without condition, staying loyal to the death, seeing the best and ignoring the rest”.

What is a mistake? Do we all at one point or another make mistakes that we don’t want to consider mistakes or ones that we actually enjoy and cannot bring ourselves to admit that they are wrong? Do we often walk away from the path we had chosen because we have been enticed by the glamour and glitz out there even when we know no good will come out of it?
What’s that magic that drives us to the edge of madness where there are no mistakes because we are not in a position to acknowledge them? That place where no matter what, we are living for the moment and although the consequences will come with the dawn of a new day we are ready to face them? It’s a beautiful day indeed when one of the mornings fate decides to save us by changing the rules or simply giving us the strength to live with our mistakes. Coming to our sense is not always peaceful but we sigh with relief when the guilt is gone, when we have been saved and different cards have been dealt to us and this time we promise to obey the rules!
Games, games, games, everywhere we turn a spin on the game, everybody trying to get theirs…. Does it matter who’s way we stand in or who we step on to get to the top?.
Lies, facades, half truths, call it what you may, is it really necessary? If only we could live in our own cocoon and not have to deal with all these people around us that are not even genuine!
Hiding behind half closed doors and trying to peek out without being seen and the endless whispers that are just everywhere around like a buzzing insect that will simply not die!
What’s with maintaining the illusion? Can’t we just be who we are, no pretense and co exist peacefully no matter what the differences are? Or simply stay out of each others way if coexisting is not possible?
There are certain degrees of separation but at the end of the day most can be ignored if we don’t take things personally or give them more credit than is due to them!
Granted, certain people just rub us wrong, that is life but we have to learn to let such things go and move on to more important things!
Do we all wear masks at different points of our lives and are all those masks different depending on what it is we are hiding from or what we are hiding behind the mask?
There is something about anything that's framed that really cries out to me. The frame holds whatever is inside captive, do you wonder if at any time it wants to be free? But its kept in there for its own safe keeping, the frame supports and protects it because once its outside the frame, harm and damage can come to it. At least there’s a glass to see through?
Many days I am reminded that we all fall and we all have our days when we need an extended hand to help us get up, when the touch of another person expressing their good thoughts and the warmth from their hand to ours creates that magic that breaks the evil spell cast on us.
Best wishes for more warm days even with the beginning of fall, may we find that magic that makes our hearts glow and makes our smiles brighter and joy & love that cannot be described.

Time!

2006-08-02T13:35:00.000-07:00

Who will touch you or who will you touch? With how short life is how do we cry the uncried tears, live the unlived moments, love the ones we are meant to love and never go away?
Are we ever at the right place at the right time? At the exact right time and if we are not, how could we possibly bear the burden of knowing we were not there? Do we step in when we are supposed to? Right at the nick of time or do we spend useless moments wondering where to be or wandering around aimlessly?
Will we stand next to each other when it counts or will we turn our backs and tear each other down with every word that comes out of our mouths and with every actions?
If I just wait here for a moment will it make a difference? Will it matter at all? Or should I just keep walking and never take a backward glance or step?
The path of life can lead us on various journeys, its upto us not to be too greedy and stick to a few paths instead of trying to have our hands in all kinds of pots. Sometimes we wander off the path and we find great joy outside of what we planned, sometimes we veer off and find only despair and unhappiness. So what’s the key to staying on the right path? Or of making the right choices? And if we follow the rules closely all the time, when will we ever take chances? Doesn’t great gain come from great chance/risk?
There are many lessons in life that cannot be learnt by staying on the path or having a peaceful existence with each other, but I don’t think we need to have our so called friends tear into us and do everything in their power to tear us down. A challenge would be more like it, I respect the people you meet and from the get go, there are no assumptions, no pretences, we all know where we stand and what we see is exactly what we get.
It’s great that we all come into this life with certain goals but its pretentious to think that my goals are more important than yours or that I am going to change the world better than you!. Maybe in my eyes its going to be more but not necessarily better. Where do people get off judging others not fit for the grand scheme of things, who decided that they knew best and had to punish the rest of the world with their superior knowledge? Isn’t it my prerogative to decide each single day how I am going to live and who I will be accountable to?
Am I taking care of all my responsibilities? Am I making my parents proud? Am I contributing to the society to make it a better place, financialy, time wise and in any way I see fit?
So when exactly am I supposed to please you or gain respect in your eyes? Isn’t it a bit arrogant of you to decide how intellectual I am or what a waste my life will become? Shouldn’t you be riding on your high horse changing the world already instead of concerning yourself with my business?
We tend to forget the magic if it surrounds us all the time and we start taking it for granted and that special touch becomes ordinary. We focus on the things we deem important and forget the human touch… again, who will you touch or who will you let touch you?
I love this quote from the musical, Rent; “There's no future, there's no past. There's only this moment”. We should cherish each moment we have with each other, build each other up in love as we were taught growing up.
These endless tears that we shed, the blood? Will it ever end, this search for something greater than our every day life, will it be successful? Yesterday might be gone, tomorrow is not here yet but we have today to do something important, to be on the journey to greatness that we are destined for.
Happy August peeps :-)

What Sunny REALLY thinks...

2006-07-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

I wrote this a couple of years ago, its actually part of a longer piece but I edited it and decided to share some of the parts.. Enjoy

Our lives are chronicled by both tears and laughter and at times both, there are times I look back on events in my life dispassionately, not by choice but because of the pain or confusion they caused. Those are the moments that I appreciate the presence of a greater power, somebody else being in charge of my fate. I believe that God gave us life to live, honor Him as well as love unselfishly those that he has placed in our paths. I can’t help but wonder why He takes them away from us, sometimes too quickly for me to accept; only trust that He knows best. Why must love be so fragile, why is it easy to give your heart to someone and not be able to take back your feelings without a backwards glance? Why are we unable to handle the bitter despair that comes with those defining moments in our lives?
Love is the opposite of death in my eyes, not just simply living ones life day to day but having that added joy, that spring in your step and the glitter in your eye when you fall in love. I was always sure that the day I fell in love the earth would actually stop and I would literally walk on air. I have loved and lost and as I have grown older I have realized that love is not as whimsical as I thought. True, sometimes chance and impulsiveness may overrule reason but I think it’s in our human nature and our weakness that makes us capricious.
What beauty there is to look at love through the eyes of the young, I wish that I had remained in that state of naiveté where I believed every word spoken in passion. I had my rose colored glasses on and grand ideas on love; having wings that could make us soar through the clouds to the velvet skies. I have dreamt of a perfect love that is like a beacon when I am out at sea, that will guide me to the shore and home to the arms of my love. Maybe I have always been in love with the idea of being in love; I often reminisce of beautiful moments past and wonder if my soul mate passed me by because chance simply didn’t favor us.
I often wonder why matters of the heart are always so complicated, why can’t we all just live happily with the people we love, never having to know heartbreak or a moment of loss. Why do the defining moments in our lives demand sacrifice? If everything were perfect maybe we wouldn’t know how to be grateful when things went well after a bad spell? Love is just as fugacious as the flowers on a spring day that bloom beautifully and die just as soon, despite the fleetingness at times we still enjoy the feeling love brings and all hope to experience one day.

TUU Cape fear 2006

2006-07-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Word of the day : NOT REYDI
Tuu was too reydi and the jewels enjoyed (diamonds, rubies & pearls)

- Jamhuri
- Hospitalized
- Denda
- Keroro (we like)
- Thong flash

Quest!

2006-06-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

I tend to ask way too many questions and accept whatever answers I get. Is it possible to be lost while surrounding yourself with loved ones, do we ever drift away into the ocean whilst our feet are firmly planted on the shore, can we be in two places at once? I am on a journey, a quest to find that which I’ve been seeking for a long time now, its coming I know but I want to go half way at least. I don’t want destiny to just find me, I want us to come together in a mutual understanding knowing that we both wanted this!
How did I get to this point, I sometimes wonder but no one’s there to answer the question, I doubt that even I, can answer the questions I have because parts of my journey are blurred, its like I walked and walked into nothingness that became something with time. And the questions start here, did I subconciously know that I was looking and I wasn’t wandering as aimlessly as I thought?
I do not want my pursuit to be in vain, the only problem is that I know not what I seek but I know that my heart will identify it to my satisfaction. So I found myself on an expedition I didn’t set out to go on but the more I stay the course, the more I am in the journey, the more joy I find. My morning are always filled with sunshine, my days full of laughter and joy indescribable and I am unable to identify the source but I want to stay in this state forever. I am on a trail full of flowers and I can hear the call of the wild, my blood thirsts for more and is calling out to its mate, I can hear the answer from a distance.
I stop to ask myself where I am headed but realize whatever the answer is, I am not about to stop. The die has been cast and I am following this to fruition and I know its going to be a wondorous sight that awaits me and my heart skips a beat in anticipation, in expectation.
With mild panic I wonder if I am lost, since I don’t know where I am headed how will I know when I stray off the path, does it even matter, is there only one path to the final destination or I can wander about until I stumble on it? Since I have lost myself in this jungle how will I find my way, leave alone find myself again or does the fact that I am on a quest to self discovery negate that?
Now the darkness that was ever so friendly starts to grow legs that chase me around my self created haven! The stars that once glittered in the midnight sky now have terrorizing eyes that watch my every move, the flowers that were ever so beautiful grow menacing arms that reach around me trying to choke the very life I want to preserve out of me. I am filled with bewilderment not knowing how I can save myself from this nightmare, this suffocating state of events!.
And just when my despair was starting to reach new heights of terror, the moon came out from behind the clouds and it was a lovely face with a little smile that comforted me and I heard a voice from a far saying “you are safe, do not be afraid, say good bye to the shackles that hold you back and step forth in faith, heaven awaits thee”. I danced in joy as I rushed forward to the arms I couldn’t see but knew would catch me…….
Have you ever been struck by lightining? I always imagine that it starts at the soles of your feet, a feeling that you cannot understand or comprehend and spreads through the rest of your body to the top of your head. This is where my ‘movie influenced imagination’ kicks in and I imagine that your hair becomes stiff and your eyes bulge out of the eye balls with hands stretched out and the rest of the body stiff.
There rarely is a warning, it just happens I assume since I haven’t been struck by lightning literally. Does everyone have just one ‘the one’ or are there people in life whos sole reason for existence is to confuse you and make you wonder if your future wasn’t meant to have them in it?
I have been struck by lightining figuratively, I was walking along minding my business when somebody came into my life and threw everything into total chaos, made me want things I never thought I’d want again, made me question and change beliefs I’d held on to for a long time. Unfortunately its not meant to be and I really don’t see how it could ever be, a perfect stranger years ago and now there’s this chemistry that’s undeniable at least on my end and no matter how hard I pretend they are always at the back of my mind!
What is it about some people that totally captivates others and starts a fire in the belly that cannot be put out. I have only one option, deny these feelings and move on with life but it seems like I am always on the run from something that could be real.
I hope that my quest will lead to self discovery and I will identify the voice calling to me and figure out what I am leaving behind and who’s call I am answering.

Stay tuned and have yourselves a wonderful Independence day if we don’t touch base until then.

P.S Wilmington here we come, Kenya exiles all the way baby www.kenyaexiles.com Rudge is the other love of my life, all the ‘mafans’ see you in North Carolina!

Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar

2006-06-22T12:10:00.000-07:00

Love is a Battlefield - Pat Benatar

CHORUS:
We are young, heartache to heartache we stand
No promises, no demands
Love is a battlefield
We are strong, no one can tell us we're wrong
Searchin' our hearts for so long
All of us knowing, love is a battlefield

You're makin' me go, then makin' me stay
Why do you hurt me so bad
It would help me to know, do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love and I'm chained to your side

CHORUS

When I'm losing control, will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside
And if all this gets old, will it still feel the same
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders you'll need me to hold

CHORUS

Long time....

2006-06-16T16:30:00.000-07:00

I know its been a long time since I updated the blog, seems like way too much has been happening but of course we’ve had time to hanye… A few memories here and there from weekends past in no particular order.
I am hoping for a nice quiet weekend but we all know (should know by now) how that goes.. the best laid plans…….
 Pencil test at home
 S. dipping in the jacuzzi and shower sharing & our peeping Tom drenched in water 
 Hot tub – mansion on a hill – skin – thaz all
 Hedex head.. woiyee
 Under 18 stripping at Nagi’s
 Trying to get into Club Ivar just to be warned by the bouncer that it was ‘gay night’ can u say last seen!
 Saddleback for Daudi’s b-day and the bull vibe LOL
 The reggae fest was quite a candy fest :-)

All in all looking forward to many more good times. Cape Fear here we come, are you ready?

Inspiration

2006-06-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

In the battle of life it is not the critic who counts;
not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled,
or where the doer of a deed could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.
Whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood;
who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again,
because there is no effort without error and shortcoming;
who does actually strive to do the deeds;
who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions,
spends himself in a worthy cause;
who at best knows the triumph of high acheivement;
and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,
so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have tasted neither victory nor defeat.

-Theodore Roosevelt

Brasilian Keroro

2006-06-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

So how did this come about? We discovered this drink caipirinha at this brasilian hotspot in downtown San Diego and it packs quite a punch (to quote my partner in crime) so I decided to do some research since in Kenya we have something similar, doesn't taste anything like it but is quite lethal.
If you get a chance try the Boca Loca cachaca (the last 'c' has a guy hanging onto it) LOL so its pronounced as an 's'
HAPPY FRIDAY PEEPS :-)

Cachaça is often called by the misnomer "liquer" but, while it is closer to a "rum" than a "liquer", most rums are made from molasses (and a very few directly from sugar cane juice similar to Cachaça), Brasilian Cachaça is really not a "rum" in the traditional sense but, rather, a uniquely Brasilian product with a distinctive taste that is very different from most rums.
While many Latin American countries also produce a distilled spirit from fresh sugar cane called "Aguardente", this is where the similarity with Cachaça ends. "Aguardente", which means "burning water", is known (and justly named) because of the sharp sting on the tongue and the fiery hangovers from this rough spirit. Not so with Cachaça, which smooth, mellow in flavor and possessing a wonderful aroma of freshly cut sugar cane.
Most Brasilians commonly refer to Cachaça as Pinga. Brasilians who drink Cachaça pure, straight and unmixed (pura) will often purposefully spill a few drops for the saints before imbibing. The first shot of any Cachaça imbibed straight (pura) is often referred top as the guia or guide as it clears the path and leads the way for all those shots that will certainly follow.
Brasil produces about 2 billion liters of Cachaça annually and exports about 400 million liters, leaving approximately 1.6 billion liters for domestic consumption—about 11 liters (3 gallons more or less) for every man, woman and child in Brasil!
No one knows for sure who first started making Cachaça but the earliest report dates to about 1610 in the state of Bahia (then a Portuguese captaincy). Many believe that Cachaça production began soon after the introduction of sugarcane into Brasil––sometime prior to 1550 or less than fifty years after Cabral "discovered" Brasil. Whether accidentally or on purpose, sugarcane juice was allowed to ferment thereby producing alcohol. Eventually, some brilliant (and thirsty) soul realized that distilling the fermented cane juice made it a more potent potable and, therein, Cachaça was born.
In hopes of boosting Cachaça to the heights of acceptance, respectability and especially sales that Mexican Tequila has enjoyed over the past twenty years or so, the Brasilian government has imposed several new Cachaça regulatory measures. In 2001, the then Brasilian President, Fernando Henrique Cardoso, signed a decree that established Cachaça as an official and exclusive name for Brasilian cane alcohol. Not specific enough said the world. So, in October 2003, the new Brasilian president, Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva ("Lula"), issued another decree specifying both the names Cachaça and the Caipirinha as strictly Brasilian in origin. Brasil has also sent this issue to the World Trade Organization in the hope that the names Cachaça and Caipirinha will eventually gain intellectual property rights protection under international law. The Brasilian government is also currently involved in negotiations with the European Union in attempts to ensure that the name Cachaça will only be applied to products of Brasilian origin. This may be somewhat unlikely since the Portuguese (a member in good standing of the European Union) produce their own version of Cachaça from grapes.
Cachaça is made from the juice of the first pressing of sugarcane. The harvested sugarcane is washed and then pressed through large metal rollers to extract the juice. The juice is then passed through a filtration process (to extract any cane fragments or other foreign matter) and then on to fermentation tanks. Most often, a leavening agent—such as fubá (corn meal) or rice bran—is added to the cane juice prior to fermentation. Beside producing alcohol itself, the leavening agent also adds its own distinctive flavor and aroma. With most Cachaça producers, the specific leavening agent(s) used as well as the recipe (including fermentation time, temperature, etc., etc.) is a tightly guarded trade secret. Whether or not a leavening agent is added, the sugarcane juice is fermented from one to three days (depending upon the prevailing ambient temperature), then distilled at a steady temperature of approximately 90º C, cooled and filtered to remove any impurities. The first distillation batch is called cabeceira. It is very strong and often used to make liqueurs. The second batch is called Cachaça boa and at 18% proof, it is the batch that is sent on to be bottled or aged. The third batch is called água fraca and at 12% proof is often returned to the next batch.
Much like rum, most fine Cachaça's are aged in barrels of European or American oak or Brasilian amburana, cedar, freijó, garapa, balsa, vinhático,jequitibá or other woods. The aging process yields a Cachaça with a smoother taste and (most often) a yellow or caramel color. The time that Cachaça is aged varies depending upon the barrel size, type of the wood, relative temperature and humidity as well as the storage environment. Brazilian law stipulates that Cachaça must be aged at least one year to be labeled "aged".
Cachaça is the primary ingredient in a Caipirinha (pronounced kai-pee-REEN-ya), the national cocktail of Brasil as well as numerous other batidas (Cachaça and fruit or fruit juice mixtures)

Why me?

2006-05-26T14:47:00.000-07:00

Love chose me, as much as I tried to run away from it and hide, it found me and consumed me totally. I spent days on end scheming and trying to come up with ways to change my fate but it was all in vain, love had me by the chokehold and there was nothing I could do.
Sleepless night after sleepless night and it refused to set me free, I was in captivity with no hope of a savior, “why me, why me” I cried! But alas! There was no answer.
I catch myself dancing even after the music has stopped and it takes a conscious effort not to sway to the sweet, sweet sounds that are playing in my head and heart, they have taken a hold of me and I find myself laughing for no specific reason, being extremely content even when things are not going my way.
I want to reach out and touch this magic that surrounds me but I am afraid to interfere with the web of love that has been spun around me, is this all nothing but a dream? Will I wake up and find that all these beautiful moments are conjured in my mind? Projections of what my heart seeks, hallucinations of the heart?
I now understand what Judy Garland meant when she said, “I heard you whisper into my heart and in turn you kissed my soul”, what profound words, they more than adequately describe that moment when my lover touches every part of me with magic that cannot be put down into words.
Thoughts are always running around in my head… trying to make head or tail of them is the hard part and I love pondering on thought provoking questions like the one below and that my friends; fuels my life, please take a minute even if you’ve heard this question before.
Question : If you were going to die tomorrow and had only one phone call to make, who would you call and what would you say? What are you waiting for then?
I should probably stay and find out what tomorrow will hold for me, I like the spell that has been cast around me, what’s the point of living if at this moment it was all for naught? Somebody famously said, “Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving all pretty and preserved, but rather to skid on the broadside thoroughly used up, totally worn out and loudly proclaiming.. ‘WOW’! what a ride!”. That is how I want to go out…. With a bang :-)
One last morbid thought, its sweet though so it really shouldn’t count against me, Benito Perez Galdoz once said, “I believe if I should die, and you were to walk near my grave, from the very depths of the earth I would hear your footsteps”

Have an awesome weekend, Happy Memorial day weekend to y’all. Live it up..

Best wishes,

Sunny

The Mind

2006-05-25T15:17:00.000-07:00

The mind is amazing, with all its complexities utterly mindblowing, how can one small part control such a big portion of what we are, what path we follow in the course of life? What we do become eventually?
L.T. Holdcroft famously said, “Life is a grindstone but whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on us”. I believe that a big part of that lies in the mind. We choose to accept circumstances or fight what has been handed to us or better yet make whatever comes our way work out for us. So how come some people succeed easily while others have to work ten times as hard as the rest? Is it the support system around us, the environment or some just have a superior mastery of their minds?
The marines say that of all the weapons they master, the mind is the most powerful one and that is why I believe that it is possible to overcome every obstacle because with the right tools like self discipline, toughness and confidence then we are natural winners in every way.
I believe that in this case practice makes perfect, being positive every day and looking out for the best in each situation without being too naïve of course!
I love their motto; ‘the few, the proud, the marines’ and I’d like to take a moment to remember our brother out there (Kenneth ‘Sweetie’ Jayala) who’s out there fighting for this country. We love you very much and we miss you dearly.
The mind helps us come face to face with our weaknesses when we simply refuse to fail, of course there are many barriers in life and we will get knocked down, we just must keep getting up every single time. When things go wrong then we should take that as the opportunity to discover exactly what we are made of and how strong we are. Ambrose redmoon said that “courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. I also love how Mark Twain phrased it, “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear – not the absence of fear. Knowing that yes, we are afraid but we must overcome”. I believe that fear is that demon that we must over power, someone cleverly said that FEAR was False Evidence Appearing Real!
We must master our mind in order to suceed, as it was famously said “it isn’t the mountain ahead that wears you out, it’s the grain of sand in your shoe”, basically if we let other forces stand in our way we are responsible for holding ourselves back and not taking advantage of every opportunity offered to us.
Do all emotions originate from the mind to the heart to finally manifest themselves into actions? Martin Luther King, JR said that “Love is the only force powerful enough to change an enemy into a friend”, what powerful words! As it has been pointed out to me, I love to write about love but nothing describes it better than these words I read, “Love means to love that which is unlovable or it is no virtue at all, forgiving means to pardon that which is unpardonable or it is no virtue at all”. How true and how noble, so here we go – do we truly love those we claim to love? That’s why there’s so much joy ..” in feeling that God knows all and not withstanding loves us still” for those that believe.
If we do our best I doubt that we’ll fail, we must remember that there is always hope and better things awaiting us, after all “what a caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly”.

Have a fabulous day :-) and look out for “Love chose me”

PACT

2006-05-24T13:20:00.000-07:00

4 on 4 all the way :-)

~Signed in blood~

BBQ hanye weekend

2006-05-21T13:39:00.000-07:00

- Scarlett's house warming bbq started on a very high note... yet again, "us or the keroro"
- Dannny boy, Scarlett & I at the car wash, Scarlett going crazy, "kid in a candy store style" and Dani calling us shades.. shame shame shame :-)
- Sunny marking her territory with the jersey, pointing & saying "you & I - tonight" Thanks Scarlett LMAO
- Am in love with a stripper... 'egxited' I'll f*** u too LMFAORRL
- Scarlett pulling to the bush then blacking out.
- Bartender Jeff hooking it up at club v2o all night yeah baby.
- Refusing to leave the hanye after they closed and befriending the cops Dan & Ken and hugging them although they aren't supposed to hug civilians.
- Sammie & Sunny happening to Ricardo at the stop light LOL
- Zach jumping out of a moving vehicle to salimia peeps
- Scarlett pimping me to Zach WAT!
- Kyd Bro's bling (notable mention)
- Hungriez at the after party trying to take peeps home with them RESIST!
- Tweety's car being broken into and getting stuff stolen, so sorry dear :-(
- Scarlett happening outside the police station.
- Pampas grill, that dish was too reydi, thanks I

CHILLIN'

2006-05-17T15:53:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANDY 'HONEY'

A kinda chilled out weekend but we still managed to make it fun..
- Singing 'am not sober odiero, am not sober' in PB
- Peeps happening to some lose chap on the st. "show us yours, we'll show you ours", Response : "come closer and I'll let you hold it for me" sick LOL
- Chugging drinks at Pico Lanai without ice, quite harsh if I must say!
- Candy actually celebrating her own birthday :-)
- S. Dipping at pico lanai after the hanye LMAO
- Ug & Eggs before bed.
- Arafa & I happening at the Indian restaurant the next morning until the waiter played us "eti we've run out of Millers" HOW?

SUNRISE

2006-05-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

The sun rises up at dawn, to a new day; a day of hope
On the wings of a snow white dove, lies eternal hope and bliss
The night might be dark and forbodding but the sky is velvet in the night
With hopes that cannot be denied, a better day is borne out of gloom
I will soar up on wings like an eagle and grasp what’s left of the day
Before it evaporates and sinks into the ravines where my dreams were crushed
Even in the pits of despair, I still hang on and hope for salvation
My innocence was taken from me but the memories and lessons are forever!
Although sadness may loom in me, joy will burst forth in time
As the sunshine rays on a good morning, the fountain of joy will bubble forth
As the wind blows the chaff away, may it blow over me and take all oppression
May a fresh start be bestowed on me to leave me strong and smiling
Now the warmth teases me like the first day of summer
Thawing away the snow in my heart and chasing away the cold
I cannot stand aside and watch the beauty outside with such ugly thoughts inside
The storm rises up and the thunder rolls in my memories
I now anticipate the new day, all seems serene around me
The turmoil in my heart is well camouflaged but the thirst for love is unquencheable
Am I courageous or strong enough to look forward to the new beginnings
To new horizons up ahead, to forget and leave behind the past?
Have the tears of sadness and joy merged to give me new hope?
Was my heart worth the gamble? Was all the energy lost for no reason
Or am I scared for life will never be the same again?
I now hear the bird chirp on the new day and I have a good feeling as I wait…
I want all the sadness to ebb out like surf on the shore and receed like the old man’s hairline
Am I really that happy or is it an illusion?
I will chase my ever elusive dream, I refuse to give up and I will continue to dream!
I want the sweet sound that was my laughter not that hollow sound that now comes out!
Shadows stand outside the window of my heart and I want to look outside but I am afraid
My heart might bleed again but I will love.
I feel the wind on my back as it whistles by me in a rush
In the quiet night I hear a lonely heart cry out but no one’s there
Sounds like life is being choked out and I have to lead the heart to its safe haven
I know that the rain will come and wash away all the sorrows
This fierce love with conquer all my fears and hope shall return
And I shall awaken to the sun filled sky and my heart will unfold and embrace life
And the sun will RISE again

Vegas experience May 2006

2006-05-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

I am sure that I will forget lots of fun things that happened and many will be relieved because their scandalous adventures won't be on these pages but otherwise holla and I will add whatever should be here and isn't.
We had a fantastic time is all I can say, a toast to 'Friendship and all good things'. As I read recently "Love is the only force powerful enough to transform an enemy into a friend", what profound words... thank you Dr. M. L. King.
CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRADUATION OWINO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMIE!

- Hitting up the airport bar as usual and taking ‘sourveniers’
- Major keroro on the flights there, us (Blossom, Sammie & Sunny) with the ‘ginger ale’ and Sig & Candy with the cranberry juice, more like grape cordial LOL
- Sig and Candy changing on the plane in efforts not to miss the hanye LOL
- Candy and her ka shampoo vibe and Sammie insisting its her hands not her hair
- Candy spinning at the dinner table and lifting her head to verify that she was spinning
- Candy happening to the side of the car, hence the shampoo vibe later
- Sammie telling her to somehow close her mouth if she’s going to cough like that!
- Sig taking a nap after we got to the house but waking up for shots!
- Blossom & Candy fighting in the back seat and Sig & Sunny taking over the ginger ale and leaving them outside to finish the fight while we got ready and the two happening to the neighbors door.
- All drinking activities confined to the kitchen and drinking the wine from the sink incase a single drop poured on the ‘white’ house!
- Hanyeing at the pink pony, Thursday night until 4am and the drama involved with our room
- Candy calling out to Blossom.. “honey, Blossom honey.. “ over & over
- Candy deciding that she didn’t want to wear her shoes (twice) and being asked to by casino & hanye bouncers 
- Someone happening until the bouncer told her to get off the rails….
- DJ being really nice at Rain amidst all the confusing fire, fog & rain!
- This chap pointing at Sig struggling to get Candy to the car and asking his friend “dude, aren’t you glad that I am not drunk like that?”
- The whole ‘grandma’ vibe with Sig about to ‘smack a b.’ yet grandma wanted her, thank goodness she bought drinks.. after Sammie gave her a ‘kasomething’ to remember LOL
- Vowing that it was “Sunny or the keroro”
- People finding it necessary to advertise bud to us and feeling obliged to let us know that all energy drinks had bull sperm, thanks Sig for getting the guy interested in that vibe.. we now at least know the origins .. taurine has bull sperm (hope its not true) and Sunny interjecting that when we had a half calf/half human child offspring then we’d know the authenticity of the claim LOL
- Asking for a sample shot of Casadores tequilla (monsta)
- Enjoying a ka happy hour at the buffalo wings place.. interesting napkins e.g “ Dear _____, It’s not you, it’s me. My tastes have changed and I just wanna keep my options open” DEM
- Our host feeling the need to warn us that we were drinking too much after we thought we’d chilled wat!
- Taking Terrell Owens (TO) photo and the way his buddy was blocking!
- Mystery explained .. when girls drink too much, we yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just cranberry juice But! Alas! That's just because we can no longer taste the vodka
.
- Refusing to leave Rain cos the hanye was happening and the ‘short boy’ & ‘white boy’ vibes
- The drama involved with us boarding just to find that there was no space for our suitcases
- Lots of turbulence taking off and chugging our drinks because we had to land !
- Meeting Bill on the flight home and his awesome ideas on ordering doubles incase the stewardess doesn’t make it back – right on point Bill, I guess experience from State?
- Bill pushing on Blossom’s chair and pretending it was me, great flight.
- Meeting the guy we’d met at the hanye(Rain) at Ontario airport and pretending we didn’t know him considering that Blossom had grilled him on how straight he was
- Landing and ‘lying’ to Shanton that we’d checked the shuttle prices
- Nico & Meynah locking Shanton up in the beer freezer at Albertson’s until he threatened to start pinting!
- Mami hooking it up ‘big baller’ style with endless keroro
- Mami & Meynah struggling to pour a shot at Conne’s and finally attacking the drinks with a vengeance
- Scarlett walking into the glass door
- Meynah & Nico fighting and Conne having to intervene after Sammie & Scarlett were thrown down
- Scarlett screaming that it was so much fun, like a rodeo and waking up the next day asking why her entire side was hurting!
- Scarlett on the hunt and asking ‘kwani what are peeps supposed to do ama turn on each other’
- Mission : Find Scarlett’s car
- Blossom trying on the "Top Gun" digagaz at Shanton’s (Blossom, there, u happy now?)
- Suggestions about opening Jack Bauer’s school of counter terrorism!
- Working on a whole bottle of vod & another of the screwdriver
- Hanyeing at Dynamite after getting home ‘too early’

Bailey's Jesus

2006-05-01T16:41:00.000-07:00

I Love, love the way this story is told so I simply had to share :-)

Written by Ginger LaGrone Tucker at www.gingertucker.com

From; Dancing on Daddy's Feet and Other Stories of God's Love

BAILEY'S JESUS

God recently allowed me to see Jesus through the eyes of someone seeing Him for the first time. Having the advantage of knowing how the story ends, we can easily forget the cost of our redemption and the love of our Savior. Every year we attend a local church pageant at Christmas time, which tells the story of Jesus from His birth through His resurrection. It is a spectacular event, with live animals and hundreds of cast members in realistic costumes. The magi enter the huge auditorium on llamas from the rear, descending the steps in pomp and majesty. Roman soldiers look huge and menacing in their costumes and makeup.

Of all the years we have attended, one stands out indelibly in my heart. It was the year we took our then three-year-old granddaughter, Bailey, who loves Jesus. She was mesmerized throughout the entire play, not just watching, but involved as if she were a player. She watches as Joseph and Mary travel to the Inn and is thrilled when she sees the, baby Jesus in His mother's arms. When Jesus, on a young donkey, descends the steps from the back of the auditorium, depicting His triumphal entry in Jerusalem, Bailey was, ecstatic. As he neared our aisle, Bailey began jumping up and down, screaming, "Jesus, Jesus! There's Jesus!" Not just saying the words but exclaiming them with every fiber of her being. She alternated between screaming his name and hugging us. "It's Jesus. Look!" I thought she might actually pass out. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at Jesus through the eyes of a child in love with Him, seeing Him for the first time. How like the blind beggar screaming out in reckless abandon, "Jesus, Jesus!", afraid he might miss Him, not caring what others thought. (Mark 10:46-52)

This was so much fun. Then came the arrest scene. On stage, the soldiers shoved and slapped Jesus as they moved Him from the Garden of Gethsemane to Pilate. Bailey responded as if she were in the crowd of women, with terror and anger. "Stop it!" she screamed. "Bad soldiers, stop it!" As I watched her reaction, I wished we had talked to her before the play. "Bailey it's OK. They are just pretending.""They are hurting Jesus! Stop it!" She stood in her seat reacting to each and every move. People around us at first smiled at her reaction, thinking "How cute!". Then they quit smiling and began watching her watch Him. In a most powerful scene, the soldiers lead Jesus carrying the cross down the steps of the auditorium from the back They were yelling, whipping, and cursing at Jesus, who was bloodied and beaten. Bailey was now hysterical. "Stop it! Soldiers! Stop it," she screamed. She must have been wondering why all these people did nothing. She then began to cry instead of scream. "Jesus, Oh, Jesus!"

People all around us began to weep as we all watch this devoted little disciple see her Jesus beaten and killed as those first century disciples had. Going back and forth between her mother's lap and mine for comfort, she was distraught. I kept saying, "Bailey, it's OK. Jesus is going to be OK. These are just people pretending to be soldiers. She looked at me like I was crazy. In my lap, we talked through the cross and burial. "Watch, Bailey, watch for Jesus!" The tomb began to tremble and lightening flashed as the stone rolled away. A Super Bowl touchdown cheer couldn't come close to matching this little one's reaction to the resurrection. "Jesus! He's OK. Mommy, it's Jesus!"

I prayed that she wasn't going to be traumatized by this event, but that she would remember it. I shall never forget it. I shall never forget seeing Jesus' suffering, crucifixion, and resurrection through the eyes of an innocent child. Following the pageant the actors all assembled in the foyer to be greeted by the audience. As we passed by some of the soldiers Bailey, screamed out, "Bad soldier, don't you hurt Jesus."

The actor who, portrayed Jesus was some distance away surrounded by well-wishers and, friends. Bailey broke away from us and ran toward him, wrapping herself around his legs, holding on for dear life. He hugged her and said, "Jesus loves you." He patted her to go away. She wouldn't let go. She kept clinging to Him, laughing and calling His name. She wasn't about to let go of her Jesus. I think God in heaven stopped whatever was going on that day and made all the angels watch Bailey. "Now, look there! You see what I meant when I said, 'Of such is the kingdom of heaven?'" Bailey's reaction should be our reaction every day. When we think of Him, who He is, what He did for us, and what He offers us, we have to say, how can we do anything less than worship Him?

And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Matthew 18:3

Rehearsal for Vegas, thaz all :-)

2006-05-01T16:35:00.000-07:00

We haven’t stayed up like this in a minute!
- Started on Thursday evening after jobo, a ka-local discovery
- Strangers following others home!
- Blossom trying to ‘get away’ with a box of Heinez (24 pk)
- C. Blocking the Irish with the marriage vibe LOL
- Friday, Sig & Candy got to the hanye before us, all the way from LA
- The hanye closed before we were done with our drinks so the bouncers locked us down there so that we could finish… how sweet!
- The bash had to go on.. at the hizzle until 2:30 the next afternoon
- A whole kirindi dropped Mirish off at the airport
- Frenchy driving on all the lanes @ a 100!
- Shtundu in the house 
- Maad keroro, its like there was a contest
- CP punching walls heavy!
- Befriending the megs next door and entertaining them sana
- Pool vibes at noon & drunk & disorderly & fully dressed!
- One of the Megs wekaing Frenchy on a leash in the pool LMAO!
- M. being offered a beer & a BJ so he continues pinting!
- Monsta attack on Saturday, had to pretend we were going to sleep

Good times, Good times. Vegas, here we come R U Reydi?

Funny story of the day!

2006-04-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Blossom and Sunny went to lunch, it was really cold outside and the restaurant they went to didn't have keroro so they decided to go to this dingy bar that they'd been eyeing. According to the reports, it was stocked very well and they were able to each down a drink in record time... a shot of patron is only $ 5.50. They have to take us there one day is all am saying!
Needless to say they were both in a very happy place when they went back to 'nation build' the lucky langrels :-)

Good times :-)

2006-04-24T12:01:00.000-07:00

Good times, Good times.
- Being thrown out of Tremors courtesy of Ms. JukASS
- CP coming to visit with a cooler of Tuskers
- Kuraido San’s arrest – oh men
- Blossom & I hanyeing heavy at Pearl.. those shots DAYUM
- Almost hanyeing with DMX
- Crank calling ‘Heidi’ for an after party
- Flashers at the restaurant
- Miguel, his # and the language barrier 
- Someone hitting Meynah’s ‘baby’ and taking off so sad, he said
I'm still sad about the love of my life getting smacked around over the weekend

Let me paraphrase a few statements that have had a huge impact on me first.

In every statement there’s a reflection of the truth.
Stupidity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.
Choice, not chance, determines one’s destiny.
Find out the rules to any game and you will be a worthy opponent.

In ending let me write two parts of songs I love..

Who am I by Casting Crowns
I am a flower quickly fading Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling Lord,
You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

I can only imagine by Mercy Me
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

Be blessed and uplifted this day. PTL

Now to the lovey dovey stuff  LMFAORRL.

This is for the sunshine that I am when I think about us and what was, what could have been.. when I remember the sun kissed moments, the angel that believed in love and happy endings! Where art thou my dear? Those kisses that tugged on my heart strings and rose colored glasses that hid the suspicion, distrust and rest of the world was a glow in/with love.
I do miss that part of me and I often wonder if its lost with you eternally or is it just buried temporarily. Love is a burden that I might be willing to carry for the right man and at the right time but for now, life it too short and I am way too young to accept it.
Mang’aa team – Can u ‘hack’ it?

Hanye catch up :-)

2006-04-18T16:07:00.000-07:00

So much has happened in the past few weeks so let’s cram some of those memories on this blog ha ha ha!!
- Moved into the new spot, thank you girls & baby J
- We have a new baby, Welcome baby girl Moraa
- Who would believe we’d make it to the John, Wille & Franco’s bash, after the move?
- At the bash maad drama with Sig and the guy with the cooler, “eti, did u bring any beers here” He can keep his bud lights for all we care..
- The Smirnoff and the disappearing act thereafter
- Candy daring me to slap her, and getting more than she bargained for! LOL
- The chicken & rice drama from the hizzle and Sammie waking up and asking questions, yet she was enjoying heavy the night before.
- The mat at Shanton’s house (in the kitchen) needs to go!
- Going to Altitude with Mandi’s mum and madness taking a hold of us and driving to Shanton's since we were on the 15 and getting there at 4am
- Mirish & Wanja’s adventures to San Jose
- Going to the wedding in NC (Blossom & I) and getting there kerorod kabisa
- Since Meynah didn’t have his invite, he was Gilbert.. LOL until someone says “Gilbert, your wife is here” excuse me!
- Meynah & Blossom heavy 'lovey dovey' at the duck & dumpling zone.. too reydi, Nico & I reydi to be witnesses all the way!
- The wedding was beautiful until we found the bar at the Sheraton in downtown NC oh men! Speaking for myself ‘full monsta unleashed’
- Nico & Meynah racing outside the hotel cos they are used to the big city life and trying to out do each other in the push up area of course!
- Nico & Meynah leaving Blossom & I while shopping
- Sig falling asleep at the wheel, these nocturnal drives thaz all! (but worth it though)
- Missing our flight at 6am and getting 1st class tickets all the way to SD, they have it really good at the front WAT!
- It was nice chilling at the hibernian with our peeps. Ger created a choir chap chap and we entertained those peeps.
- Bright & early reported to the airport….
Looking forward to many other tuuuz.

What happened to the love?

2006-03-29T15:52:00.000-08:00

Where has the love gone, the starry eyes that carry the passion laden looks across the spaces steaming up the way in their wake, as the hearts beat faster in response, the endless longing that comes along once struck by cupid’s arrow? What happened to dreamy sun sets, to romantic picnics, to walks on the beach late at night, enjoying the sweet carress of the sand in between your toes, watching the moon above go behind the clouds? Is that all lost in a past that cannot be recaptured because we have all been through one disastrous love affair? Or because we do not want to expose ourselves to these emotions?
What happens to us when we’ve been hurt by love, when the one thing we so desired turns on us and causes havoc in our lives and changes us forever? Leaving empty shells where there once was a heart, paranoid, afraid to ever go down that road again and putting up a resistance when anyone approaches us and wants to lead us down that route.
That first innocence, that naiveté crushed and forever gone leaving behind a cynical outlook on love and even doubting its existence. How could we possibly repair the damage caused and replace the sunny outlook, is there even a way to go back to before… before the anguish began?
After love is done with most of us, we are in a permanent state of depravation where mayhem rules because we cannot trust that emotion ever again. When love goes wrong, it cripples and maims us for life – at least emotionally. I wonder what the cure is, what balm could possibly heal that wound? Is there anything that would bring back the enjoyment, the mystery of discovering each other and the joy that comes in finding that soul mate, that heart that beats in sync with yours? Or are we forever held prisoner by our suspicions?
We blame love for all kinds of misfortune, if our kindred spirit is claimed by another person or God forbid death then we blame love, is it better to have loved for a short momemt than to never have lovedat all? I ask myself this question constantly and I am afraid to admit that I am not sure….. Do the good times truly outweigh the heartbreak that comes along with this person not being in our lives anymore unless we were both ready to let go? And in that case, do you really ever let go of people you sincerely love? Can you turn your feelings off and decide not to care anymore?
As somebody famously said in the Shawshank Redemption; “Fear can hold you prisoner but hope can set you free”. Do we dare hope that this stage too will pass and we will find ourselves open to this adventure or are we even afraid to hope? Are we supposed to reclaim the days gone by, the yesterdays that have all merged into one dream that we are not even sure we lived? Or walk into it with different expectations, looking for a different kind of fulfillment?
I don’t think that there are any guarantees and that more than anything else holds us back, not knowing if our fancy will come to pass. But isn’t it worth everything to walk out there knowing that bliss beyond our wildest expectation could be waiting for us? All we really need to do take is that first step of faith and be willing to be open and honest and actually put ourselves out there? Can we successfully get rid of our jaded attitude and be less skeptic?
Who decides how valuable we are and why should we leave that in another person’s hand? Shouldn’t we live life with no regret, with no backward glance wondering what we could have done different. Shouldn’t we live each moment as if it were our last, with every second counting to the real countdown, trusting that when its time to go we’ll be ready?
We then go back to the unaffected simplicity, the ease with which we met different people and welcomed them into our hearts, without wondering what else they wanted from us. Back to giving all we could give without worrying about payback or the two way street we should be on in any relationship? The Bible does say that it is more blessed to give than to receive. Do we really live by this principle in this day and age, if we do, how easy is it? Our environment is extremely perverse and encourages resistance to good, embracing difference in the negative sense instead of looking for the good in all situations.
With that good luck out there and try to truly love the people around you!

Look out for ‘The power of the mind’ next week, inspired by our dear brother Ken ‘Sweety’ Jayala in Fallujah, Iraq – see you soon and God bless.

Hanye to the fullest!!!!!

2006-03-28T16:08:00.000-08:00

We have had two weekends of happening!!! From Meynah's "30th" to Clyde's going away and here we go again....

Yet another weekend of adventure, what can I say… “we are happening, indeed we are” but there is no other way to enjoy the guilty pleasures without partners in crime, with feet raised up late at night and early in the morning, loving it  Good things, Good things.

“Forbidden fruit is sweet”
“Kumbe ni under 18” and the cake reading “Kumbe ni 18”
Shanton; “Hurricane San Diego, Category five”
Sammie; “All I need now is somebody to finish me off”
Mumbi; “I did not sign up for this sheyt”

We drove up to LA on Friday after jobo, maad syke for the hanye and James’ bash the next day.
- Nico happened to the chap at the parking lot cos he referred to him using the N word, punches, kicks the works.. almost killed the guy.
- Frenchy screaming; “guns, guns, we’ll be shot”
- The victim, finally gets to his feet and decides to show peeps his guys and Faridah yells out “it’s so small and pink, why is he showing it”!
- Kawa drama, peeps trying to happen to peeps they shouldn’t be happening to
- Frenchy happening at Jack in the box, infront of the car after Meynah and Sammie refused to give her a cup 
- Meynah leaving peeps and threatening to leave others the next day!
- Meynah trying to kick Nico and failing miserably and landing on his behind.. maad evidence, beer stains on the wall, wet shirt etc and Nico laughing at him until he cried!
- Nico blacked out on the wall outside, “my body ain’t right”
- Sammie & I happening on the pool table.
- Blossom getting ‘happened to’ by yours truly Faridah.
- Mumbi trying to sleep in vain.
- Roof escapades
- The chugging contests
- Trying to recapture the feeling at Martini Ranch with the music but peeps were too boozed to appreciate..
- Actually finishing all the booze in Meynah’s house before we left Sunday night and the hard liqour too… reformation anyone?

On that note, when’s the next hanye? Look out for “what happened to the love” tomorrow.

Life (to be continued)

2006-03-16T15:41:00.000-08:00

Do we dictate the route that our life will take? Are we in charge of making it exciting? We all have opportunities to take chances and to risk everything for the greatest gain or benefit yet we hold back.
I wonder if someone must know himself very well before they can know what their limits and capabilities are, or do we just impose those restrictions on ourselves?
I believe that we all have unbelievable potential in suceeding in whatever endeavor we set our minds to. So what stops us?

There is an Irish rhyme that goes like this :

Dance like no one’s watching
Love like you’ve never been hurt
Work like you don’t need the money
Sing like no one’s listening
Make love like this is your last day alive
Live as though heaven is here on earth

If we embrace these words then we can truly start living, is it the fear of every possible thing that stops us? Are we sometimes so caught up in the pursuit of better things that we don’t ever stop and actually enjoy the moment? Enjoy the feel of the sun on our back or the wind as it whispers all around us and appreciate the stars at night?

Why can we not love every moment, every person around us without holding some part of ourselves sacred and hidden that no one can get to it? We are selfish by nature and don’t want to risk getting hurt or getting disappointed because our expectations were not met.

Instruction on Life from the Dalai Lama

2006-03-14T10:05:00.000-08:00

- Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
- When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
- Follow the three R's:
- Respect for self.
- Respect for others.
- Responsibility for all of your actions.
- Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
- Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
- When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
- Spend some time alone every day.
- Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
- Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
- Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll be able to enjoy it a second time.
- A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
- In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
- Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
- Be gentle with the earth.
- Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
- Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.
- Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
- Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Highlights from 2005

2006-03-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

The year started on a fabulous note in Vegas with loved ones around us, what a blast!
- Leaving the hanye at 9am (Blossom, Sammie, Meynah, Nico & I)
- Spelling difficulties cos of keroro "spell Reydi " e, mara X"
- Meynah breaking the keroro bottle at least there's a photo out there. His words below

"I have never broken keroro in my life. You will be sued for defamation if this allegation is ever repeated."

- Mini accident coming from 'the beach'
- Going into the wrong hotel room

Some other random highlights from '05
- Kicked out of Daniels house after the bathroom incident
- Madam at Nagi's eti "Move tha body"
- T. steadying in LA at the sight of Jukass
- Tom sleeping in clubs and parties
- The rendezvous in Poway after rugby
- Misbehaving on cross country flights
- Sleeping in airports.. on the ground and missing flights by hours
- Impersonating people so that we can get into a club..E Street Alley where Wanja was supposedly Nuria until they asked her for ID
- Pimping each other to get drinks
- Happening in a rather big way to the bar in mission beach - Beach Combers, that is what happens when pints are 0.50 cents
- People leaving Wanja to deal with the Po Po after V. drama in Mikey’s house, and to deal with V. too
- Sammie & Blossom meeting the ground at rudge this year
- Sammie leaving Frenchy in the car!
- Ger getting fired from behind the bar cos of hooking peeps up with free keroro
- Tropix, Raphy's adventure with the ball
- Sunny playing Frenchy... getting ready to go to the Marriott and having Sammie do the explaining for me!
- Peeps robbed outside the hotel rooms at rudge.. LOL
- Meeting SIZZLA and happening to the poor man
- Touching Maxi Priest…ok his hair and pulling it LMAO
- Los Angeles Sevens 2005. what more can I say?
- Kars telling Sammie and Wanja that he will let them take him to their house for a night of only he knew what.
- Maad chicken eating chicken at Hakim’s parties
- Heather’s wedding and the madness and fun at the firepit
- Going to PB with the chap from ATL with Wanja and the suggestion at the end of the night that Jukass should “pay”
- Foi’s going away party and the mayhem that came with it, esp. Danny boy's room
- Cape Fear 2005 in NC
- Labor Day Weekend 2005 in DC
- Thansgiving with our LA peeps in SD
- Asking bar tenders to taste their own drinks if we can't taste the alcohol
- Jukass getting back with Njoroge.
- Sammie & I walking thru the drive thru in el Cajon
- Getting on stage with various artists trying to perform
- Baby J running out of the car after the hanye while his foot was in a cast
- Clyde helping gidi maji perform and not remembering anything the next day
- Shocked with the $700 tab at Bandar
- Refusing to leave the hanyez even after they close!
- Club NV drama, no need to say more!!!

FIRE!

2006-02-01T11:42:00.000-08:00

What is that fire that burns within all of us,
That driving force that leads and guides us day and night
The heat it produces, such a force to reckon with
And the guiding light as we walk through this journey called life
The fire burns intensly in my chest and provokes me to be alive
It gives me vivacity and helps me wake up every morning
It’s the key that ignites my whole being and drives me to success
It directs me and I am ablaze with energy and enthusiasm to overcome
Its electrifying when it starts that slow burn inside me
That explodes into a huge flame that cannot be put out
The violent burst hides hopes that cannot be crushed
There are times when it just smolders inside us though
When there are weights on our shoulders suppressing us
And we need something to fan the fire back to life.
As long as the ember is there, it’s upto us to make sure it doesn’t die
What kindles the fire inside us?
What makes us go on without giving up on our dreams
Willing to pursue them; come rain come shine?
Longing for the gratifying feeling that comes with accomplishment?
Conceiving what was imagined, to a beautiful reality.
At the end of the day I want the fire to keep burning for smoke is but a foe.
In the new day it will look like the fire was never there,
Such a powerful force leaves everything black, blue and grey, ashes everywhere
The truth is distorted by the smoke and the mirrors it forms
Looking at the remnants of the day, it’s hard to imagine the power of the fire
We cannot tell if there ever was a fire burning so fervently within!
But the smoke indicates otherwise and now it burns in our imagination
But we can never quite recapture the blazing moment!
Can we really control the fire within us or does it control us?
Does it burn without restraint, or can we hold it in check?
Or is it regulated by the person its burning inside of?
If we are not strong enough for the fire within us, it will devour us from within
And leave a shell of a person that was dominated by the fire within!

Something for you.. the sun will shine!

2006-01-25T14:06:00.000-08:00

When the dark clouds of gloom
Overwhelm your fragile spirit
Remember to hang on to joyous moments past
When the sun doesn't shine on you
Depend on it to warm your soul the next day

Like flowers on a spring day
Great happiness will return to you
Even when you stand on the edge of the abyss of darkness
Take a leap of great faith
And the reward will be of beauty unimaginable

When the night is dark and no stars are in sight
Believe that the midnight sky will gleam with light again
And the moon above will guide you through the night
And back to the warmth of your friends and family
And finally love will restore your smile

Questions?

2006-01-20T11:37:00.000-08:00

Is there more to people that what meets the eye or are we all really basic and at the core no different from the next person?
Do circumstances determine what picture we paint with our actions, speech and general behavior or do the people around us influence that more than we’d like to admit?
Is there something special that makes people the same or unites them in such a way that they really are one and the same man?
If there is why haven’t we used that to reduce the disparity in the multitudes?
What discriminates us from each other?
What distinctions are there to identify one as greater or lesser than the other?
Is it just the choices we make from birth, from our parents making them for us, to taking over and making similar choices due to the way we were raised and after that having our children make those same choices?
Life is indeed a cycle, one circle of similar people meeting and marrying each other.
What is the magnitude or degree by which we are so different that nothing could ever bring us together?
There must be a deviation from what we consider the norm, for people to always be at cross points or are we digging too deep and not looking at the baser insticts in man?
Are there really irreconcilable differences?
There is a certain inequality that somehow finds its way into our hearts and is so deeply ingrained that its harder to change who we are than we think.
What are those factors that affect the congruence in such a way that there is no harmony and disagreement thrives amongst men!
What creates this space between people, from thoughts to the consequential actions?
I sometimes think that we are remote from each other, removed from the emotions other men have, unable to be understanding or sympathetic at times, why?
Aloofness certainly doesn’t help build the society as one big home, we always end up leaving someone behind!
Is that what helps us stand apart and when did that become our number one goal?
Everywhere we look, the environment is cut throat and only the strong or sly win, is this so much a part of us that we’ll walk all over our brothers trying to get ahead?
Suppression reigns and at the end of the day we have a winner that nobody particularly cares how they got ahead!
And that is the complexity of one of the facets of life!

Destined for greatness?

2006-01-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

What is life?
Is everything in clear cut, should we believe in destiny and fate?
Are there such things as soul mates and kismet really?
Do we all have a magical moment that time and other memories doesn’t erase?
Do we make certain decisions, or mistakes in life that change our destiny and if so, is there something we can do to change them?
Are our lives so clear cut that we have to live them as expected?
Is there any pride left when people love those they shouldn’t?
Is there a connection so deep that it cannot be ignored?
How do we explain that instant click when two souls meet and know that something is meant to take place, or worse yet when one feels the click and understands and the other doesn’t feel it or lets rules dictate?
Can well meaning people and societal pressures mess up a good thing or on the evil side sabotage it?
Are the rules governing these things/feelings meant to be broken?
Do we sometimes watch life happen to us while we stare in from the outside helplessly?
Can we change who we truly are or do we sometimes hide the truth from even ourselves that we don’t remember it anymore?
Are there certain places we’ve been before and it doesn’t make sense that we could have gone to these places in this lifetime?
So what is life and how should we live it?
What is the core?

A nice weekend..

2006-01-16T09:56:00.000-08:00

Started out like any other weekend.. got off work on the way made a few phone calls to check on the people that were reydi to try out some new drinks! Surfers on acid from Wednesday when we happened to Club NV, the hanye bambad!!!! Anyhu Friday, Mirish was studying for her GRE so I went to Sammie & Wanja's house for a bbq and drink trying session... Sammie was refusing those shots like crazy and locking herself in the bedroom, so Wanja & I were enjoying heavy.. 7 shots later we started taking the shots to Sammie & refused to leave until she'd tried them, shortly Jager bombs are happening.. in no time we were reydi for the hanye.. so the three of us plus Lil Pris decided to happen to PB Bar & Grill .. and happen we did!
- Blossom throwing me down on the dance floor
- Sammie & Jukass sneaking off for a shot
- Blossom thugging Jukass' drink LMAO!
- Thugging 2 special football Miller Lite bottles from the hanye
- Denny's incidents, Jukass u know yourself..
- Crashing the neighbors party and Sammie serving us patron shots & whatever drinks they had.. and these peeps don't even know us!
- Rain (the dog) was cute.. and cold so Sammie took the blanket from another chap to cover her cos she was freezing! the guy was in shock..
- Sammie asking Ivan (who owns the house) why he was smoking inside, he says "it's my house?" the Sammie says "ok, give me a cigarette then"
- We left after they passed the shtundu to us sana.

So the next day after Mirish's GRE (congs!) we went to the movies (Sammie, Clyde & I) met her there but Clyde went for rudge and we reconnected afterwards. Tristan & Isolde is such a beautiful movie! So we got home and Sammie decided it was time we had a bbq just us.. MONSTA!!!! Mak (our sweet brother came over and was helping Wanja bbq)
- Clyde said we were alkiz cos we couldn't taste the alcohol in our drinks..
- Frenchie got back into town and proceeded to place a few calls for peeps to come! And come they did, as they are walking in, Sammie sees N and proceeds to ask, very loudly if I might add "what is he doing here ?"
- Sammie & I going to the store for keroro and looking at the keroro like its a monsta and asking each other "will we make, should we get more", I truly don't understand why we pretend!!!! This is who we are!
- Muriuki blacking out as he dances, talks, pretty much anytime, without notice.
- Maad humping (dancing it was called) in that house...
- Beer chug, after beer chug.. what can I say the gals came out on top!
- Sammie chugging from a straw!
- While outside Sammie calling me to rush over cos someone is stealing the car, turns out Frenchie is just getting Ziks from the mots!
- Jukass hiding behind a wall and watching things unfold
- Someone made the mistake of calling our Mak a cow, war!!!!!!! women truly are psycho's?? throwing jabs (not literally) at peeps with hidden agendas R E S I S T!
- The introductions were something else...
- Frenchie "I don't drink beer" and proceeding to enjoy more than a few and even "robbing" me of mine till Vero stepped in to the rescue.
- Watching lingala yep! S O M E T H I N G!
Anyhu finally at around 5:30am Sammie kicked peep out and we went to sleep, amkad for football around noon.. our Steelers won so we have good things to look forward to and panthers as well, next week should be exciting!
Ended up going to Dynamite on Sunday cos the line at Martini Ranch was quite the monsta, 1:51 am calls, Blossom waiting for us in the cold (pole)...

DC (Sept. 2005)

2006-01-13T13:42:00.000-08:00

We had a blast, just a highlight on some of the fun crazy moments!!!! Memories are made of this!

-Walking into the house and actually comprehending what was happening
-Mandi pising the hell out of Nate- pouring beer on him
-Chugging two beers in a row because no one could prove we had chugged..and being very shocked when we did it willingly!
-Mulaha shikaing a guy in a chokehold and flying across the dancefloor with him
-Mulaha being sent to look for Kaka then coming back…looking at us..saying he is -coming… he didn't show up for another hour (seemed like it!)
-Dave pointing at another chap and shouting "I hope no one ends up like him" (coz ati he was so shady..)
-The big chap who had worn sharp shooter shoes there outside safari - hilarious!
-Kaka getting very frustrated by people refusing to enter the hanye unless its free
-hanging out at the gas station after the hanye
-Wanja begging ger for a beer at the gas station
-Wanja begging the attendant to let her pee..almost crying…then tukanaing him and peeing in the bushes

-Wanja drinking from the half mtungi in her PJs
- Gals chugging 3 six packs
-Sheila being found in the bathroom..goowwwne
-moses passing out in the corner and on the couch reading the Bible
-sammie and jerry passing out on each other
-davo passing out on the couch at the hanye after the 1st Exiles dinner
-davo sobering up for a moment to remember to find his shirt then I had to drag him outside and put him in the car
-finding nate wandering around after the hanye
-ger holding Wanja's handbag like his life depended on it
-madondo appearing out of thin air
-madondo looking for the door in the hanye but walking into the window like 3/4 times
-madondo stripping on the dancefloor then losing his clothes
- Gals drinking 151 with full knowledge of it's effects
- Standing next to madondo (AGAIN) and comparing his nips to my fingers…lol
-waking up to horror stories of the passport picture, Lil Pris & Sammie
-Bryo amshaing us with miller lites and Ger's shots of captain
-Hooking up a karice for Ger in the morning after the hanye
-everyone bombing past Wanja & her bro and sammie squeezing her kahead out the window with matusi eti she left us
-kenya exiles arriving at the park only for the park ranger to chase the entire group
-crashing the Tzians bbq and eating their food
-ceasar fighting with the door as sammie and jerry giggle and pretend very hard to be asleep
-ger's rendition of madondos situation when he got into and out of the trunk
-Bryo talking to J. witnesses. Is that pepsi no icehse - is that soda no icehse
-Bryo waking up at 4.30 to look for the magazines from the J. witnesses
-Madondo being found blacked out in the bushes and bryo in his highness thinking it was a shirt drying
-peeps running away from popo
-ceasar wringing madondos neck
-kenya exiles team 1 and 2 all in one car and seeing what they actually looked like in that car
-adam passing out (while vibing) in the hallway and waking up with kicks
-dave and mulaha sleeping on each other on the couch!
- The 3 musketeers happening to us (Wanja, Kevo & Mulaha) with their keroro!
-Before we fikad Mulaha amkad on a porch not knowing how he got there.
-Lesli pouring beer on peeps as they swatch
-Blossom & Daudi's window escapade

Interesting things..

2005-10-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

- Do the damn thing, always be ready, we are too young after all!.
- Once bitten twice shy
- No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
- Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
- A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
- The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
- Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
- Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you.
- Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful.
- Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
- There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
- Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
- Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
- Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll still land among the stars.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic!
- Don't stab your friends in the back, they might turn at the last minute and you will have to look into their eyes.
- We live once, live a life that glorifies God and makes you happy at the end of the day, ready or not it will come to an end, living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident, it's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Weekend chilling

2005-08-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Do we know when we tumble into something? or do we wake up one day and we are in a relationship?
PKK came down this weekend and we had a blast as usual..
- Dropped off M.O.T.H at the hosy met up Mirish (everything will be sawa)
- Wanja and I were so thirsty on the way to the train station, 3 M's later we were reydi for this, on the way back Mami hooked up a s and r.b madness... PKK was shocked at the raucous
- 94th here we come, by 4:30 out of the house PKK ain't never seen!
- Kaz drama/saga with Sammie hilarious!!!!!!!
- Roy is crazy obviously.. to Sammie at Denny's..." .. inagaba wu wu wu.." and she understood plus the snail vibe too dead!
-Raq's graduation this weekend.
Thank you Lord for the blessings of family and friends.

Is Sunday our new Friday?

2005-08-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

Friday was a good day for us, went to the Padres game, had beers and enjoyed the game.. yeah right.. as much as we could enjoy, had a decent seat thanks to Wanja.
- After went to the new place in downtown 22 floors up, a skybar and lounge called Altitude very reydi, nice view of the downtown area.. blanket incident of course and skyy and monsta.. crazy!
- Then to Camel's breath and McGregor's.. things were blurred at this point and of course an after party at Mungoma's where we worked heavy.. on the skyy.
- Patrick came down, what a nice surprise!!!!!
- Sunday was a whole other story....
 Lil Pris reading the blue blinking belt loudly “kula paka..lol”
 Lil Pris begging Wanja for munyuz and humping her
 Sammie and Sunny getting down at the bar!
 PKK: “Ride me like a bronco, baby”
 Sammie to Jamaica : “Come her for a hug then”
 Sammie hollering on the phone asking where Wanja is when she’s right in front of her
 Sammie rocking Pat’s shirt, hanging on her jeans doing rounds
 Lil Pris chilling in the middle of the road in downtown
 Someone offering Sammie coffee drops next day
 Lil Pris staggering in the house in the morning
 The ‘Man of the House’ is sick, get well soon Kuraido san, him and Mirish at the ER all night and morning – pole sweeties

AN IRISH BLESSING.

2005-08-11T15:05:00.000-07:00

May the road rise to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the sun shine warm upon your face
May the rains fall soft upon your fields
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

May there always be work for your hands to do
May your purse always hold a coin or two
May the sun always shine on your window pane
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His Hand.

May the hand of a friend always be near you
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you
May you appreciate beauty and find the best in others
May you never be lonely, but find constant and true friends
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

May you laugh often and much
May you win the respect and affection of people
May you earn the appreciation of honest critics
May you endure the betrayal of false friends
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Wednesday is a good day

2005-08-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

- started off at El Torito in Mira Mesa Mirish, Sandra, Sammie, Wanja, Mandi, Ngretha, Foi, Amanda, Susie Q and her girls.... madness.. bartender wanted all the drinks on my tab.. crazy Luis...
- Alpha Blondy's concert at HOB, he performed his heart out and that guitarist OH MEN!!! how can peeps be so hot.
- Julian semad that it seems like Mandi has a problem with him talking to me eti she keeps pulling me when we are talking.
- Sammie flipped Habib then H. was like "I can't believe I invited you here then you are disrespecting my friend"
Sammie : How? I was doing that to Sarah
Sammie : "if you are Alpha's brother then sorry..
Sunny: :"or his agent..."
LMAO!!!

1st weekend of August

2005-08-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

- Let the big dawgs roll, rough & hard.. right now you are just a puppy learning how to walk and bark, when you can keep up holla
- "I don't want your number, when we meet again, let's do this..." HST
- 6 shots at a go
- Got home at 6am

REDSAN
- Left the hanye at 8am can you say madness
- Stage presence wat! sweating bullets in the carpeted venue...
- Met Patrick - those dimples are to die for

Winged hope

2005-07-21T16:54:00.000-07:00

The sun rises at dawn, to a new day of hope
On the wings of a snow white dove
Lies eternal hope and bliss.
The night might be dark and foreboding
But the sky is velvet in the night.
I will soar up on wings like an eagle
And fight for what is left of my heart -
Before I lose it to the ravines forever.
My dreams seem meaningless now but I hope
Tomorrow lives on and despair will not devour me.
Memories will keep me going strong
In the blink of an eye, I lost my innocence
Never to be recovered again.
I hope to be on a winged journey
Who knows what splendor I could find
Who can fathom what lies ahead in wait
Except he that plans!
I hear a whisper from the moon above..
"Don't despair, Winged hope will carry you".

Hope

2005-07-21T16:53:00.000-07:00

Hope
When the dark clouds of gloom
Overwhelm your fragile spirit
Remember to hang on to joyous moments past
When the sun doesn't shine on you
Depend on it to warm your soul the next day
Like flowers on a spring day
Great happiness will return to you
Even when you stand on the edge of the abyss of darkness
Take a leap of great faith
And the reward will be of beauty unimaginable
When the night is dark and no stars are in sight
Believe that the midnight sky will gleam with light again
And the moon above will guide you through the night
And back to the warmth of your friends and family
And finally love will restore your smile

Faith

2005-07-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

Faith
When the clouds seem to close in on me
When everything is stiffling my spirit
And I feel like the end of every good thing is near
And I feel myself falling into an abyss of hopelessness
My heart is defeated it does not want to beat anymore
My time to celebrate life is almost over
I am willing to roll over and die
I know that there is hope at the end of the road
But it seems so unattainable so far so unreachable
But what courage it demands from me
I am at sea and faith shines like a beacon
I will use it as my guide to shore
And I will get there one day
And faith and I will be home together

July Our month

2005-07-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

7/8 - Keroro happened, university hanye
7/15 - Bandar for Wanja's b-day can you say maad fear 489 tab and good news
7/16 - E street Alley - Danny Boy's altercation of the year (throw out the drama)
7/18 - Beres Hammond, Marcia Griffith, Jimmy Cozac & Harmony house band.
7/20 - Club NV Wednesday is a good day

Cape fear

2005-07-21T16:46:00.000-07:00

1. Mandi diving into the pool and bleeding profusely.
2. HST Nubian queen (Sunny - shell) and Sultanese
3. Soda's stolen from gas station, cops coming, Wanja away - reversing on the freeway, ditch!
4. Raphi chugging pool water
5. Lil Pris - bushes
6. Hst - underwater activities and I love this bar
7. Madondo's fingers and nip's
8. Adam exposed
9. Mose cops 2nd floor
10. Lil Pris flashing the world
11. HST baywatch and flashing
12. Sunny removing bathing stuff kabisa
13. Isho mwaura in the car, balcony and sleeping on it
14. Davo & Handsome intertwined on the floor
15. Handsome stealing Davo's cover..
16. Dave, Mose small & Raphie looking for a room in the middle of the night, we lengad
17. Nate kicking peeps out of the room attempting to get some
18. Half a glass of popov or more.. chugging
19. Lil Pris, Wanja and Jerry eating from the floor, Sunny mke nyumbani at night
20. Jerry's :"coffee"
21. Wanja bringing the monstaz to the room after her threats, Lil pris star actress
22. Ngredha & Baby Joe NY trip
23. Raphie's heavy snoring, peeps causing wat!
24. Raphie storming off at the slightest provocation
25. Davo waking up next to Candice
26. Keroro and some licking, sucking of self's nips
27. HST screaming she's the last woman swimming
28. HST Dominos, driving us into a curb, Sarah & Wanja - crazy, Adam & Jerry - upset
29. Jerry last man standing first night
30. Sunny bebaing both Davo & Isho keroro team!
31. Kuraido san and the cops
32. Kuraido san and Raphie losing it on the plane cos of noise
33. Mose kissing sunny's back endlessly
34. The first ladies of rugby and the chaps lecturers
35. Sunny, Mirish, Pauline, Nicko & Ngredha peeing in the atlantic
36. Baby Joe calling mwaura in a bag
37. Swimming fully clothed in the ocean
38. Sunny going to look for a juala to wear on her head so she can swim
39. Baby Joe chugging ice house, for a chap that doesn't drink beer dayum
40. Baby Joe & Ngredha chomokaing from the plane keroro'd kabisa
41. $ 140 to ingia into the Red something in Wrightsville NC
42. Mirish & Pauline chissing (maad evidence now!)
43. Adam slamming into a wall as he tries to make it down from level 5
44. HST and Sunny helping Jerry down the stairs, comedy cos of shoes
45. HST smoking two cigarettes
46. Adam deciding that Wanja needs to be raruliwad right then and there
47. Ger's mama crispy and Adam & Davo refusing vehemently that she spend the night with us
48. Peeps banging themselves in the bathroom esp. HST and Wanja
49. Ceasar throwing himself on peeps, down, in the pool with his broken leg!
50. The sultanese refusing with that chaps kofia

Different views

2005-07-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

We have control over where the sun will shine, it has to start in our hearts before it can be reflected out to the rest of the world. This starts with contentment and being at peace with what you have and where you are, don't get me wrong, ambition is key but we have to be careful not to be so disatisfied with where we are or what we have that we don't enjoy the moment.
What joy there is in being truly happy and taking responsibility for our actions when we do wrong, we expect all the people around us to be compassionate and sympathize with us wherever we go wrong.
Hope the sun shines really bright today!